


Dots and Dashes

by Nikocat



Series: Let’s Talk About Feelings [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Autistic Caleb Widogast, Beauregard is bad at feelings, Bottom Yasha, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Canon Lesbian Character, College, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Finger Sucking, Fingerfucking, Fluff and Smut, Gay Character, Gay Sex, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, M/M, Masturbation, Mighty Nein, Multi, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Past Abuse, Pining, Smoking, Smut, Top Beauregard Lionett, Trauma, Vaginal Fingering, autistic author, disaster lesbian, mlm, one sided beau/ jester, past relationship, wlw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:41:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26873095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikocat/pseuds/Nikocat
Summary: Beau Lionett is a walking disaster.  It’s honestly painful to watch and she’s stuck kicking herself every time she goes to open her mouth. It’s not like she wants to be shit at talking to people or an all together human dumpster fire, but Beau has never been great at relationships and feelings and it gets infinitely worse when she meets the captain of the women’s Rugby team; Yasha. No amount of coaching from Fjord and Jester can help help her now.~another critical role college au no one asked for but I’m writing it anyway.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, Fjord/Jester Lavorre
Series: Let’s Talk About Feelings [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1972210
Comments: 6
Kudos: 120





	1. Deep End

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading this entirely self indulgent fic, it means a lot 🥺. I’m just really gay and relate to Beau and decided to finally write again after a whole ass year. A few things of note before we dive in– the majors are as follows: Beau is an anthropology major (totally projecting, don’t judge me,) Jester is an art major, Fjord is marine biology because wtf not, Nott is chemistry because ~alchemy~, Yasha is world religions, Caduceus is environmental science, and Caleb and Essek are both theoretical physics. Idk I felt like these made the most sense. Anyway, all feedback is greatly appreciated and I hope you enjoy the story.  
> ________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the start of the semester and Beau already has a ticket on the hot mess express?

The semester had barely started, only a week in and already Beau was feeling a little jaded. Professor Dairon was great and everything, but classes seemed to drag on and Beau wasn’t really learning anything new— well, maybe she was, seeing as she had to retake classic anthro lit, but that’s besides the point. Point is Beau was bored and honestly more than a little pissed she had to repeat a required class. It turns out skipping lectures to participate in an underground, most likely illegal, fight club wasn’t the best way to pass a core requirement. Beau was lucky Dairon liked her and was even more unbelievably lucky that she let her drop the course 2 months into the semester without a failure finding its way onto her transcript. Maybe Beau wasn’t as much of a fuck up as she thought? Or maybe Dairon was just super forgiving and perhaps had a rebellious streak somewhere along the way that made her more lenient. It didn’t really matter though. Beau just felt relieved she got a second chance. Junior year was going to be… interesting to say the least.

As she grumbled quietly to herself, kicking gravel with her well-worn boots, Beau felt her phone vibrate against her thigh. She reached into the pocket of her black cargo pants, attempting to fish out her cell. A frustrated sigh escaped her lips as she looked at the time and the caller ID. Her roommate, Jester _. Shit._ Beau had completely forgotten that she was supposed to meet Jester and Fjord on the quad after class. She’d halfheartedly agreed to what Jester had excitedly called their ‘super fun, totally amazing, really, really cool start of the semester friend picnic!’ Admittedly Beau found Jester’s enthusiasm kind of adorable, though she’d never say it. It wasn’t too long ago that she’d had a major crush on her, but she was hella fucking grateful that passed. It was awkward as fuck being attracted to someone you live with. But Beau still held a lot of fondness for Jester. Her antics were comfortable and endearing. With a final huff before delving in to what might be possibly guilt-trippy conversation, Beau answered her phone.

“Heeey, Jester.” There was an awkward, drawn out lilt in her voice. _Fuck_.

“Beau… You’re late you know.” And there was the disappointment.

“I know, I know. I got caught up after class kissing Dairon’s ass. You know I’ve gotta get in her good graces again.”

“Yeah, BUT! Now you have to get into mine too.” Beau was visualizing the pouty puppy dog face Jester definitely had on the other end of the phone.

“Ok, but I’m not gonna kiss your ass too much. Not like you need it, Jess— everyone fucking adores you. Spare me the guilt trip and just tell Fjord and Sprinkle… ‘cause I know the little guy’s probably hiding in your bag, that I’m almost there.” She teased back.

“You’re right, I’m really, really nice.” Jester paused, Fjord’s laughter audible in the background. “See you in a few minutes, Beau!”

Beau hung up before Jester could say anything else. She didn’t mind the teasing, it was harmless fun. But talking on the phone was less than enjoyable and she would be at the quad in less than 5 minutes anyway. Beau wasn’t one for pointless small talk and that’s mostly what phone calls seem to be.

Making her way from the social sciences building, Beau kept her gaze mostly on the ground, hands shoved deep into her spacious pockets. It’s not that she wasn’t attentive, she just didn’t feel like running into anyone other than her planned hangout with the Mighty Nein. Beau still wasn’t sure why the name stuck. She laughed softly as she mentally pinned the blame on Caleb, he did have a penchant for saying ‘no.’ She definitely was fond of their mismatched little group. Maybe misfit was a better turn of phrase. It didn’t really matter, Beau was just glad things weren’t as lonely as they used to be before she met them. She was happy she’d finally found and carved out a little niche for herself, deep down she was overjoyed that they accepted her despite her prickly nature. It wasn’t always intentional, but she knew she tended to rub people the wrong way and it definitely stung when she thought back on all the times her demeanor caused someone to walk away. But with the Nein, Beau had little doubt they’d stick by her. They all just vibed that way. A bunch of codependent, traumatized young adults who somehow found each other, their own little family.

It didn’t take Beau too long to reach the quad. Lush manicured grass, blue skies, ultimate frisbee matches taking up parts of the lawn, some guy with a portable speaker just blasting some absolute shit music. Just like she remembered, fucking terrible. A smirk tugged at the corners of her lips as she caught Jester and Fjord in her sights. It was an entertaining scene to behold. There was Jester, pink backpack and art supplies spread across a pastel colored blanket with donuts printed on the fabric, excitedly talking to the crimson weasel slinked around Fjord’s neck as she scribbled away in her sketchbook. To her left sat Fjord. He was positioned awkwardly–– it was now painfully obvious that Jester had asked him to model for her. Fjord was desperately trying not to blush, Beau could tell he felt uncomfortable every time Jester would teasingly call him Oskar between giggles and feeding pastry crumbs to Sprinkle. Fjord looked absolutely hilarious, trying to maintain some level of machismo while sitting in a contemplative pose on a donut patterned blanket, trendy tiny sunglasses perched on his nose, and a weasel draped over his shoulders. Beau couldn’t help but laugh to herself as she approached them, this was way too good. She stealthily snapped a few candids of the pair and dropped the embarrassing photos into the group chat.

**_Swolereguard_ : ** _Lookin’ good Fjord. You know what? I think this works for you._

Gucci_Model_Fjord.jpeg

**_LittleSapphire:_** _OMG! BEAU!!! **@Fjord** u look so handsome _🥺🥺 _I told u it was gonna look really really good!_ 💖💖💖

**_NottVeryBrave:_** _Oh yes! I agree with Jester. You look quite nice. I can’t wait to see your drawing when it’s done Jessie. I hate being stuck in class. At least I get **@Caleb** as my TA_ 😊

**_Fjordexplorer:_ ** _Thank you kindly for the compliments, I feel silly though… I’m sure your drawing will turn out real nice Jester. But a question real quick— why are we texting if you’re standing 10 feet away Beau? Come git yer ass on over here_

**_BooksandCats:_ ** _This is all very entertaining but I am working at the moment… **@Nott** we are in class. I can see you, not very subtle or sneaky mein freund. I don’t think the professor will be too pleased. We’ll catch up later, Ja? _

**_NottVeryBrave:_ ** _Sorry Caleb. I just can’t wait another half hour! I’m excited to see our friends!! I’ve missed you all <3_

**_BooksandCats:_ ** _es ist alles gut_

With the last message from Caleb, Beau dropped her bag behind Fjord, sitting between her friends. She laid back, head resting on her discarded tote and combat boots propped on her roommate’s lap. It’s good to be back. Even before the semester started everyone had been busy adjusting to their schedules, moving in to new apartments and dorms, and starting up with new jobs or work studies. None of them had really had any time to just hang out with each other— outside the people who lived together. Nott and Caleb, Jester and Beau, Fjord and Cad. But being together like this was nice and highly welcome after Beau’s last class of the week. Picnic then party. Well maybe not party, but video games and pizza at her’s and Jester’s place— all friends welcome.

“My, my… don’t you look comfy.” Fjord glanced over his shoulder, cocking an eyebrow suspiciously at Beau.

“Jealous, Fjord?”

“Not by any means. Get as cozy as you like.”

Beau hummed back at him, scrambling so her head could trade places with her feet. She shimmed her way around, her shoulders now pressed against Jester’s thigh, head resting in her lap. She looked up at Jester; still scribbling away in her well loved sketchbook, Traveler Con and unicorn stickers slapped haphazardly on the front cover. Jester looked over the edge of the page, pencil still shading intently, and smiled at Beau. Beau could feel the heat rising on her cheeks, threatening to broadcast her innermost feelings. Maybe she wasn’t totally over Jester after all. At least she wasn’t spending every waking moment being an awkward mess around her anymore. So what if the way she looked at Beau made her feel embarrassed or if she was still slightly infatuated with Jester? Feelings fade, people change. And though Beau wasn’t hopelessly head over heels for her anymore, she still got little flutters of excitement when she shared intimate moments with Jester–– even when they are totally 100% platonic.

“Draw me next?” Beau smirked up at her.

“Of course, Beau! I love drawing you!” She lovingly tapped her pencil on the crown of Beau’s head. “You’re a waaay better model than Fjord.” She side eyed him, a playfulness in her tone.

Fjord looked at Jester over the rim of those ridiculously tiny sunglasses and winced slightly, clutching his hand to his chest.

“Now you’ve really wounded my pride.”

Beau could feel her eyes rolling. These two were annoying as fuck when they played their little back and forth. It was painfully obvious to Beau that Jester was into Fjord, but she’d never tell her that Fjord saw right through her and went along with her antics just for the hell of it. It almost made Beau mad that Fjord toyed with her feelings, but she’s gotten the sense over the years that that’s just how he shows affection, seeing as he fucked with Nott for so long. But it wasn’t cruel, not in the way Beau knew others to be. Their little group all had their own short comings in the social department and this seemed to be Fjord’s. Beau had promised she’d keep him in check if he did the same for her, but sometimes it was hard for her to tell just where that line should be drawn. It didn’t really matter though, no one was complaining at the moment and the late August weather felt immaculate after spending all day in air conditioned hell.

Jester’s tongue poked through her lips as she continued to sketch intently, Beau watching her with fond admiration. As she finished the last few sections of cross hatching, Jester held up her sketchbook, comparing her rendering to the half orc positioned awkwardly in front of her. The smile that took over was infectious, as it was with most of her moments of joy. Beau sat up to see the drawing properly. She studied it alongside her roommate, the two of them deliberating the likeness. Beau clapped her hand on Jester’s shoulder, leaning her chin to rest next to it.

“What do you think?” Jester asked.

“I think it’s perfect.” Beau’s voice was raspier than she’d wanted it to be. “You really captured the embarrassment. Nice work.”

“Thank you, Beau!” The excitement in her voice rising.

Jester passed her sketchbook to Fjord, allowing him to look at her masterpiece.  
  


“Well?” She said with a suspect coldness in her tone, an expectant air masquerading her desire to be admired. Had to be Nott’s advice: _cold shoulder, play hard to get._

Fjord gently removed the sunglasses and unlatched Sprinkle from around his neck, handing the small weasel back to Jester in exchange for the sketch. He mulled it over for a moment, a smirk curling at the corner of his lips.

“Fine work Jester, mighty fine work.”

Beau watched as the blush crept across her best friend’s cheeks. _Shit, she’s adorable._ With Beau’s reassurance and Fjord’s approval Jester flipped to a blank page and began directing Beau on how to sit. Beau and Fjord moved into their new positions, Beau now laying in the space he previously occupied. As Jester was posing her, focusing on optimal proportion and composition, the group heard the excited voice of Nott drawing closer. Not far behind lagged an already weary looking Caleb, tucking a fairly battered book back into his satchel. The man waved awkwardly as Nott ran up beside Jester and gave her as big of a hug as her tiny frame would allow. She quickly shifted her focus to Beau and despite the size difference, Nott’s hugs were fucking smothering. The tightness that overcame Beau’s body was unpleasant, but the softness behind it was familiar and comforting. Barely able to move her arms in reciprocation, she simply leaned into the embrace until her petite friend let go. Warm smiles all around, almost all the friends were reunited sans Caduceus, who would be stopping by their place after work.

Nott clambered across the blanket eagerly, finding purchase and making optimal space for the lot of them to fit, only for Caleb to avoid the blanket entirely and lay in the grass. Typical. Beau couldn’t blame him. Caleb tends to need his space more than the rest, often times overwhelmed by the goings on around him. But she can’t help but feel remiss at the thought of willfully ignoring his needs over her own feelings. He didn’t deserve that, no matter how much she wanted to tease him… but she found herself going there anyway. It was too much fun.

“What, do we all have the plague or something, Widogast?” Beau ribbed.

Caleb looked up bemusedly, eyes squinting at her in suspicion. “Ja, was ist es?” He stared blankly for a moment. “Can I help you, Beauregard or am I allowed to take a rest?”

“Nap later, Caleb. Your friends wanna hang with you, you asshole.” Beau lightly punched his shoulder, causing him to wince slightly.

“Careful!” Nott called over her shoulder, her Caleb senses triggered. “He pulled a muscle carrying books back to the library earlier!”

Beau snorted, followed by several moments of unrestrained laughter.

“Wow, you really are squishy.” She wiped away stray tears. “ Gotta hit the gym with me sometime so you don’t have to ask any pretty boys to do the heavy lifting for you. You can impress them all by yourself.”

With a wink and a final pat on the shoulder Beau pulled away from the now furiously blushing Caleb. It was way too entertaining to tease him about people being potentially interested in him or about the possibility of him flirting. God, it just made him so flustered and Beau reveled in knowing that she had that kind of power.

She frowned slightly before apologizing to him and Nott, who both insisted it was fine–– though the lingering flush on Calebs ears and cheeks told a different story. Beau would have to ask him about it later. He seemed more jumpy than usual, more easy to catch off guard. Tucking the thought away for the time being she refocused her attention to Jester, resuming the position she’d been instructed to hold. Settling into her pose, Beau watched Jester for a while, her pencil gliding across the page in effortless loops as she roughed out her likeness. It was fascinating to watch the intense focus Jester maintained, the deftness of her hands, her keen observation, and knack for accuracy. It gave Beau a sense of pride that she was friends with someone so talented. For all that Jester proclaimed her skill, she sought approval and Beau was happy to provide it. Seeing the way Jester’s face beamed when she was complimented and validated made Beau feel slightly like a better person. Being friends with the Nein had made her a better person, she couldn’t deny that–– even if she retained some of her less savory tendencies, she was still trying to be good. Though she was intent on watching the magic of her roommate’s skill, Beau found her mind and her eyes wandering. Her gaze strayed away from her best friend and darted to the others.

She watched as Nott began to lovingly fiddle with Caleb’s hair, weaving intricate braids and stray bits of clover that had been growing in clusters nearby. Her hands were just as steady as Jester’s, though there was a delicateness there that for all Jester’s finesse was lacking in her own practice. Nott’s hands would occasionally disappear into Caleb’s thick copper strands, only to appear again and to arrange flowers. Beau smiled softly at their dynamic. The calm, restful expression that now graced Caleb’s face replaced any misgivings Beau had had before about whether or not she’d provoked him. He seemed completely at ease. His eyes closed, head bent down as he peered over a hefty theoretical physics book. He hummed softly to himself, rocking slightly in time with the rhythm. A wave of relief washed over Beau, Caleb was back to his healthy stims. She’d hate to be the cause of his distress like she had sometimes been early on in their friendship, but over time she and Nott had figured out ways of helping Caleb through his shit. They’d become something like siblings over the years. Beau was learning to forgive herself for slipping up and realizing that even beneath her rough exterior, she too possessed a gentleness. Caleb’s year was going to be tough enough, entering into his phD. She’d cut him some slack and ease up… probably.

Beau’s attention drifted over to Fjord. He was scrolling lazily through his phone, fantasy shopping for boats he definitely couldn’t afford. He’d be lucky if he had enough to get a kayak, a tandem one being a far off dream. Beau could tell he missed the water. Though Fjord liked being at school, his heart belonged to the sea and he often day dreamed about sailing again. He’d been on a fishing vessel for a while over the summer with the college marine research program, but it hadn’t quenched his thirst for sailing, not when he wasn’t the one steering. Beau felt for him, it had been hard for her to stay away from the fight club. She was good, really good. Quick and smart, she’d beaten almost everyone on the roster. Made a lot of money too. People put their bets on her and cheered her on. It was a major ego boost and chance to flex her skills. But she’d sworn off participation after her academic probation fiasco. That wasn’t something she intended on happening again, despite the rush of beating the shit out of people for cash. Maybe this year she’d take up perfectly legal, off hours boxing. She would still need to let off steam after all. Maybe she could even get Fjord or Jester to join in. Maybe not though… training was quiet contemplation time and Beau had to admit she’d come to appreciate it much more after her world religions class. Dairon, as begrudging as it sounds, had convinced Beau to take up meditation. She’d been right, it was helpful in curbing Beau’s impulsive side, even if she found mindfulness tedious and uncomfortable at first.

Her mind continued to wander the longer she posed. She bounced from thought to thought, anticipating the next coming weeks. Getting back into the groove of classes, movie and game nights with the gang, the fucking wild house parties to potentially get shit faced at. This year Beau was determined to optimize her time; work play balance, plenty of time to focus on her studies and get hammered. Maybe she could finally begin to forget the string of shitty hookups and failed relationships. Maybe junior year she’d swear off one night stands and hate fucking past hook ups altogether… but that seemed highly unlikely. Really? How many ways could she blow off steam? It began to occur to Beau that that plan may not be entirely possible seeing as there was no real way she could avoid Reani… she was pretty good friends with Cad and Jester. Why the fuck was she such a hot mess? At least she could successfully keep her distance from Keg, though it did cost her a $20 dollar a month gym membership. The school gym wasn’t an option anymore if she wanted to avoid her potentially making eye contact while Keg deadlifted what could easily be a Beau and half. Ghosting someone makes for pretty awkward encounters after you’ve been fucking for a few months. Maybe Beau was a shitty person after all. Or maybe she was just terrible at communicating and afraid of commitment. Yeah those were very accurate assessments and very on brand.

Not wanting to linger on her shortcomings much longer, Beau tried to recenter her focus of Jester, who was now being distracted by the weasel crawling up her arm. She giggled infectiously as Sprinkle clamored around her neck, obviously tickling her with his scampering. Her smile was wide and she squirmed around, trying to scoop him back into her arms. Beau watched her fondly, feeling heat crawling up her cheeks. _Fuck. Look away, you’re over Jester remember!?_ Beau tried to draw her attention anywhere besides her adorable, totally crush worthy roommate that she was desperately _still_ trying to get over. God, all interactions with girls were fucking confusing! Her eyes darted around the quad, looking for anything to preoccupy her vision, to take her mind off Jester. She scanned out across the lush green field, down the walkways and benches. At the far reaches of the quad she found her target. The women’s rugby team running drills. They were just finishing up, packing their kits and getting ready to head out. Beau studied them intently. She watched as the girls hung on each other, hugging and getting cozy like it was nothing. They went from intense focus back to off field behavior, joking with each other and messing around. It made Beau smile. She envied people who could maintain platonic, healthy relationships. Deep down she knew she had the capability, but it was fucking hard. Who knows, maybe the rugby team was full of disaster dykes who couldn’t keep from inter team relationships and hookups and maybe it was one big cluster fuck that kept stupidly falling for each other. It was okay to project right?

She internally groaned at the thought, wallowing in her own bullshit. She glared with no apparent purpose as the team drew closer, watching them make their way to their respective destinations. Beau couldn’t lie, a lot of them were super fucking hot and totally her type–– intense, buff, and looked like they could break her. The ideal woman in her eyes. She sighed as they walked past, swallowing hard. There was almost something intimidating about them, something dangerously attractive that drew Beau in. The players began to drift apart, trailing off one by one until they dwindled down. Beau’s attention unwavering. As the last few left, Beau found herself captivated. From behind the stragglers came her downfall. Beau’s world stood still, the hairs on her arms and the back of her neck standing to attention. She studied the woman casually walking by, drinking her in in ways that made Beau feel slightly wrong. She was impossibly tall, arms that made her heart leap into her throat, intense blue and purple eyes that gave her an air of mystery that attracted Beau even more, and long black hair that faded into white at the tips styled into all manner of plaits and twists. She was devastatingly gorgeous. And in that moment Beau wished she could draw at least half as well as Jester. She wanted to capture the essence of this strong, captivating woman and never let the memory fade. God she envied Caleb and his photographic mind. She was absolutely beautiful and Beau knew she was fucked from the moment she laid eyes on her.

As she drifted off into the late august afternoon, Beau could hear the other girls calling out their goodbyes. Her ears honed in as she anticipated, hopeful to hear any details she could glean, any crumbs she could get about the enthralling rugby player she was now hopelessly thirsting after.

“Great work out there, Yasha! See you tomorrow at the kickoff party?” One of her teammates called out.

“Yeah… yes. I will be there.” Her voice was soft and devastatingly beautiful.

_Yasha._ Beau whispered. _I’m so fucked._


	2. Can’t Get You Out of My Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beau’s struggling to maintain her promise to keep some semblance of balance this semester. A weekend of indulging in her vices and ignoring her better judgment leaves her in a somewhat precarious place. Not to mention her mind keeps finding excuses to think about Yasha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hi! Thank you so much for reading and all of the wonderful support. I appreciate it so much. A few things of note before we dive in. There are fairly heavy instances of alcohol use, bordering on it being unhealthy. If this is triggering for you I recommend skipping. I also made Beau works as bartender because it feels right? Idk, this is my self indulgent fic, I can do what I want I guess.
> 
> I know in Talks Liam said that Caleb wouldn’t really use alcohol the way Nott/Veth does/did because he likes to torture himself by feeling miserable, but I felt like it made sense here. Might be a little out of character, but I digress.
> 
> This chapter is so much longer than the first one... oops. Anyway! I hope you enjoy this chapter! All feedback is welcome :)  
> ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

It was fast approaching 5:30 by the time Caduceus got off work at the Blooming Grove and texted the Nein that he’d be there soon. They’d all been hanging out in the apartment for a while, playing video games, catching up, and relaxing. It felt like hours before Beau heard the doorbell ring, Caduceus entering with multiple pizzas for the gang. The smell of fresh baked crust and warm cheese filled their apartment as he stepped further inside. Cad was quickly met by an excited Jester who happily took the pizzas off his hands and set them in the kitchen, humming loudly as she skipped. The group all gathered by the counter as Jester passed out the respective slices; veggie for Caduceus of course, pepperoni for her, Beau, Nott, and Fjord, and plain for Caleb (he wasn’t much for unnecessary additions to a perfect classic.) They didn’t stand around too long before making their way to the couch, cozying up and loading Mario Party on Beau and Jester’s Nintendo switch.

As they made themselves comfortable, shifting around to accommodate whoever wanted a seat, Beau could feel herself becoming increasingly antsy. Sitting still was feeling like a chore and she couldn’t shake the urge to get up and pace the apartment, at least to blow off steam. But she was trying not to be rude and engage fully with her friends despite the many impossibly distracting things swirling in her mind. She took a breath, deep and intentioned, pulling on those meditations that only ever seemed to help a little. She only really closed her eyes for moment, her attempt at calming her thoughts disrupted by the rather loud rumbling in her stomach. The rest of her friends had started eating, but Beau hadn’t even looked at her food yet and when she did it suddenly didn’t seem as appetizing. But she wasn’t going to turn down the free pizza Fjord and Cad insisted on covering, so she ate it anyway. She scanned her friends for a moment, hoping they were distracted enough in their meal and conversations to have heard the embarrassing growl or notice her fidgety behavior. The hope was in vain, though because sure enough Caduceus always noticed goddamn everything. Not to mention Jester was always on alert with her too when she was stressed. Their eyes met and a sort of strange silent confrontation occurred between the three of them before Cad spoke up.

“Beau, how long has it been since you ate something?” He cocked his brow.

Beau tensed a bit, trying not to let on that it hadn’t been a top priority today. She wasn’t in the mood for scolding. But Cad valued honesty and he could usually tell when she was telling half truths.

“Uh, not since this morning. I got caught up in shit, okay? It wasn’t intentional or anything…” She could kick herself for how defensive she sounded.

“Someone sounds hangry…” Nott chimed in, making the all too familiar face of someone who doesn’t want to get involved but stirs the pot anyway. Why were all of her friends shit stirrers?

“Yeah, maybe a little bit. Sorry.” She grumbled as she shoved large bites into her mouth.

“You have to take care of yourself, Beau! You’re cranky when you’re hungry.” Jester popped her head over Caduceus’s shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah. I promise I’ll try to remember. I’ve just been off today I guess. Trying to get right with Dairon again has me a little on edge. It’ll pass…”

Beau’s eyes narrowed as she tried to glean what her friends were thinking, but they were kind of hard to read— other than Jester who was genuinely worried. Cad and Nott might’ve had ulterior motives though. It wouldn’t be too surprising if he could tell exactly what the fuck was going through her mind. At least she gave a semblance of truth. She hoped that would placate him for now, but knowing Caduceus he would come to her later for a one on one that she didn’t really want to have.

“Okay… if that’s the story you’re sticking to.” He almost sounded ominous.

Beau couldn’t help but roll her eyes and huff. The last thing she wanted tonight was an interrogation. Tonight was supposed to be mindless fun, shitty food, and relaxing after a really weird week. Returning back to school always threw her off kilter for a bit. Beau wasn’t great with balance. She was over thinking things maybe. _Just enjoy shit. Relax._ They sat for a moment before she changed the subject entirely, grabbing the attention of everyone else.

“Yo, anyone want beer or something? It feels like a getting wasted kind of night?”

Her eyes studied her friends intently, trying to see if they saw through the the act or if her behavior seemed concerning, but no one really questioned it.

Fjord, Nott, and quite uncharacteristically–– Caleb, raised their hands. Nott was enthusiastic as always, Fjord seemed nonchalant, and Caleb looked mildly distressed. Beau wondered for a moment what was giving him the all too familiar urge of drowning out your thoughts with booze.

“Cool, cool. What’ll it be? We’ve got wine obviously… rosé, whiskey, and PBR. You know the good old shit that gets you nice and drunk.

“Ooh! Rosé sounds amazing right now!” Nott exclaimed. She’d developed more of a taste for it recently.

“Beer or whiskey’s fine. You know what, surprise me.”

Noted, rosé for Nott, PBR for Fjord because why the fuck not, and for Caleb?

“What about you Caleb, what do you want?”

She watched as he contemplated for a bit, humming softly to himself.

“Whiskey, neat. Make it a double.” He was stiff in his delivery, making Beau more suspicious than she was before.

Beau was probably going to make herself a cocktail. Working as a bartender for the past year and a half had taught her how to make the good shit, the stronger the better. Maybe an old fashioned or whisky sour if she had the stuff to do it, if not probably just a highball.

“M’kay. Be right back.”

Beau made her way back to the kitchen. She opened her’s and Jester’s crowded fridge and searched for some oranges. An old fashioned was sounding real fucking good right now. Beau just wanted to zone out to be honest, relax a bit. Maybe it was selfish that she wanted to make her own drink first before supplying the goods to her friends, but she was on the impatient side at the moment. She quickly decided against it, that was bad host behavior and she wasn’t about to start the semester of on the wrong foot with her friends too. She quickly grabbed a nice and chilled bottle of rosé. It was some expensive shit her dad had sent her, but Beau preferred hard liquor over fancy crap and it would most likely be wasted on her. The whole thing goes to Veth then. Digging deeper into the designated booze section, Beau pulled out a whole six pack of PBR. She didn’t know how drunk Fjord was looking to get so it was better just to let him pick through what he wanted. Beau quickly grabbed some glasses and brought the drinks back to her friends, she’d get Caleb’s when she made hers, balancing too many things wasn’t something she was mentally capable of at the moment. Once more she approached the coach and set the six pack, bottle, and glasses on the coffee table.

“Enjoy. That’s the good shit, Nott. I’m letting you have it–– but don’t get too fucked up, okay?”

Nott nodded, she’d been trying to cut back on her drinking since Yeza and Luc moved back with her. They weren’t sure how to make the distance of his job and her studies work at first, but after they had a serious heart to heart he’d decided to try and move his business here and start fresh. Yeah, maybe it was awkward to have your husband and kid live with your strange grown ass friend with no family and barely two pennies to rub together, but Nott had sort of unofficially “adopted” Caleb and would be damned if she let him out in the cold.

“Okay, I won’t get too wild.” She smirked before pouring herself a generous glass.

Beau hoped it wouldn’t be too much more than that. Fjord thanked her before cracking open a cold one and raised it in acknowledgement. Beau shot him some awkward finger guns before turning her attention back to the whiskeys in the kitchen.

“Don’t worry Caleb, I didn’t forget about you. Be right back.” She called over her shoulder as she walked away.

“Ja, no problem. I didn’t think you had.”

Beau grabbed a bottle of scotch whiskey and some bourbon. One for Caleb, one for her. Ice, straight bourbon, bitters, and simple syrup; into the shaker they they went. She mindlessly prepared the drink she’s made countless times and poured it out into a glass, adding the orange slice and cocktail cherries. She brought the cocktail to her lips, chilled perfection. Fucking heaven. If there was one thing Beauregard Lionett was good at it was making fucking amazing cocktails. She cleaned up her mess, not that it was that bad, but she didn’t want to leave it for later when she was too drunk and tired. Another minute for Caleb’s double and she headed out again.

“Here.” She shoved the glass in front of Caleb, slumping down beside him and sipped her drink at a decent pace.

“Danke.” He took it gently and knocked it back faster than Beau thought he would. “Is the bottle still out? It’s not enough to get pissed.” He dead panned.

Beau felt a sense of shock. Caleb wasn’t usually a big drinker. Something weird must be going on. She’d definitely have to ask him later, but now it was video game time and Beau was determined to kick everyone’s ass at Mario Party.

Obviously Beau was gonna play as Donkey Kong–– he had the best combos and rolls. Jester would be Peach like she always is–– a pretty princess for a pretty princess. The other usual picks were Daisy, Wario, Pom Pom (which Cad usually went with,) and Bowser. After setting up and getting situated the game began as it often did; fighting over the characters Beau and Jester didn’t claim. They usually let Nott have Daisy, but sometimes she’d try to heckle Fjord into letting her play as Bowser. He almost never gave in, leaving her to grumble under her breath and attempt to sneakily cheat. The cheating wasn’t always during the round either. Nott had a tendency to try to throw Fjord off his game; playfully insulting him, distracting him, or any other sly trick she could think of. Beau found it endlessly entertaining. It never failed to get a laugh out of most of them— save Caleb, who would oscillate between gently scolding her or simply smiling at Veth’s personal vendetta against Fjord. But tonight Caleb was distracted, either nose deep in a book or scrolling through his phone rather than engaging with them as he took swigs from a fucking bottle of scotch. Beau wasn’t going to lie, it kind of pissed her off and made her worried. She hadn’t seen Caleb and wanted to hang out with him. They’d had fun drinking in the past, but it was when he was doing mostly okay. He didn’t really seem as okay as he did earlier and she wanted to press him further. She got it though, shit could be rough and he wasn’t always the most talkative. But between the solitary bullshit he pulled this afternoon and the disengaging from them now… Beau felt a little shafted.

Holding her controller, she eyed Caleb suspiciously as he stared at his phone. He wasn’t normally one to spend too much time on social media or texting, so she wondered what the fuck was going through that wildly complicated brain of his. Her brows furrowed as she attempted to figure out what he was so preoccupied with. The focus was disrupted with the sound of an excited squeal from Jester and the flashing _YOU LOSE!_ popping up on her side of the screen. Beau, it seems had forgotten she was in the middle of battling princess Peach. It was absolutely unlike her. Beau almost never loses. She wouldn’t lie she felt a little embarrassed and kind of annoyed— mostly at herself. Beau looked up at her roommate, an over exaggerated groan escaping her as she watched Jester dance in circles at her victory.

“I can’t believe I won!” She gasped, turning to the rest of her friends. “I can never beat Beau! OH. MY. GOD! Beau! Are you okay? You _never ever ever_ lose!”

Beau blinked out of her temporary stupor, looking at Jester more clearly this time. She noticed the rest of her friends joining in the now awkward stare pointed her way.

“I, uh— yeah. I was just distracted.” She blushed. “And maybe a little tipsy…”

“Distracted, OR–– thinking about how much you have a crush on me?” Jester teased, causing Beau to turn even more red.

“Yeah, totally thinking about how much I have a crush on you, not the alcohol or stress at all.” Beau tried to save herself with a healthy dose of sarcasm.

She looked around at her friends, hoping that they believed she was playing along with the joke, even if Beau didn’t really believe it herself. Both Fjord and Cad’s suspicious expressions caught her eye. Fjord cocked a brow, pursed lips, and tilted his head sort of like a curious puppy. Everything about his posture and expression seemed to be picking apart her false bravado. Cad just did his typical knowing smirk that always made her shiver from the sheer thought of being subjected to scrutiny. At this point Fjord definitely knew she had a crush on Jester… at some point. After today though, that crush was quickly beginning to take a major backseat as Beau’s thoughts migrated back to Yasha. She only knew her first name and yet at the moment that seemed like plenty. Beau kept replaying the moment she saw her, hearing her name, thinking about how badly she wanted to talk to her. It was consuming her every thought.

“Earth to Beau!” Jester’s voice broke through the haze. “Do you want to play again or is it okay if Fjord goes?” Jester had a mix of concern and pleading in her voice, puppy dog face unashamedly on display.

It was obvious to Beau that Jester wanted to spend more time with Fjord, so she nodded and passed off the controller to him. After a quick series of thank you’s and a rearranging of seats, Fjord and Jester began to face off. Beau drowned them out, thoughts preoccupied on much more pressing matters and the bourbon still swirling in her cup. She wandered back over toward where Caleb was sitting. He was slumped over, legs folded like a pretzel on the floor, with his head glued to his phone. She watched as he typed and untyped several times, a serious look of contemplation plastered on his face. It was curious to her and Beau being Beau had to know more. When ever Caleb did anything different the rest of them went on high alert. Caleb rarely did anything different.

“Everything good Widogast?” Beau sat on the ground next to him, arm propped up on her knee.

Caleb didn’t respond for several moments, the light of the screen casting a dim bluish glow on his face.

“Okay, you don’t have to tell me or anything…” She side eyed him.

“Ja, I’m fine.” He was characteristically curt, the way he typically reacted when he was hiding something.

Beau narrowed her eyes as she debated being an asshole. Part of her wanted to snatch his phone and see what he was so engrossed in, but the mature part of her thought better of it… _thought_ being the key word. Beau was impatient, impulsive, and a little too eager to distract herself from falling into the rabbit hole of thinking about Yasha all night. So, against her better judgment, in true fashion to what she suspected a younger sister would do to an older brother, Beau quietly scooted closer to him. She tried to peer at what he was doing, but couldn’t get a clear enough view. She contemplated a moment longer before quickly snatching the phone from Caleb’s grasp. It wasn’t a moment before she looked over to see Caleb’s shocked face and empty hands slowly turning toward her. He didn’t look mad, more _panicked._

“Beauregard… please give me back my phone.” He sounded like he was pretending to be calm, forcing his tone to be steady.

“Come on, Caleb. You’re ignoring everyone and whatever you’re doing can’t be as fun as hanging out with us. I won’t look, I promise.”

But Beau couldn’t keep that promise. She found herself ignoring Caleb and giving in to her own curiosity. She turned the phone back around, ready to figure out just what it was that he’d been doing for the past 20 minutes besides taking infrequent sips of whiskey. He had a new message tab open. There was a number that wasn’t one of his contacts seeing as there was no name at the top of who it would be sent to. The text box was empty save for the letter ‘h’ which Beau assumed was the beginning of the word “hi.” She eyed Caleb cautiously as she handed the phone back to him.

“Making new friends?” She pried.

“Nein, working up to texting a colleague…” He sounded stiff.

“Why so shifty then, Caleb?”

“He… I’m intimidated by him.” He admitted sheepishly, a noticeable blush dusting his cheeks.

Beau hummed thoughtfully, guilt building inside her. She felt like a dick.

“Ugh. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that.” She leaned her head into her hand, partially covering her eye.

Caleb looked her over suspiciously for a moment before responding.

“I think maybe I should be asking if you’re okay?” He seemed to have calmed down a bit. “You seem… not yourself.”

Beau was taken aback by his accuracy. She didn’t want him to be accurate. She needed to at least tell him something because she didn’t want the sort of big sibling talk Caleb tended to do when she acted immature.

“You caught me. I’m feeling all kinds of fucked right now. I have all these fucking expectations put on me and I already fucked up last year. I don’t want to let Dairon down again and feel like shit because I was fucking around instead of taking things seriously. I know I’m better than that and Dairon knows it too, but it feels like shit to have all of that following me. You know?”

“Ja, verstanden. I know it well. Ikithon… he doesn’t forget failures.”

She saw the troubled expression on Caleb’s face, bottle clutched tightly in hand.

“I think you’ve probably had enough of that.” Beau gently weaseled it away from his grasp.

“You’re right. I don’t entirely know what I’m doing Beauregard. Today has been…”

“Fucked up?”

“Fucked up.” He echoed.

She watched him silently for a while longer before trying to get him to open up a bit, distracting her from her own bullshit.

“You wanna tell me what’s really going on? I mean if this co-worker guy makes you feel intimidated that’s not a bad thing, you know that right? That’s a pretty natural reaction to people if you ask me. Feeling threatened by shit outside your control.”

He narrowed his eyes at Beau, obviously debating whether or not to say anything.

“I don’t know. He’s just so put together, intelligent, and obviously more practiced and I’m… well, me?”

Beau frowned. Why was he always so fucking down on himself? Beau could relate, but all of them saw so much in him that he just couldn’t fucking see. It made her so mad sometimes.

“Caleb… you know you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, right? Remember. You’ve said that shit to me so many times. Don’t be such a dick to yourself or I’ll have to hurt you.”

“Is that a threat?” He cocked an eyebrow suspiciously.

“Oh you fucking know it is.” She smirked playfully.

She squeezed his arm with a surprising gentleness and scooped the bottle off the floor.

“You’re cut off, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You know I’m always here right?”

Caleb nodded solemnly before Beau walked back to the kitchen and re-shelved the scotch. It was for his own good anyway. She may be letting herself get wrapped up in some fucking bullshit, but she wasn’t about to let Caleb wallow in whatever he was honed in on. That would make her a pretty crappy friend. She decided to grab a bottle of wine and do the exact same shit she just scolded Caleb for doing. So what if it was a double standard, she didn’t have to explain herself anyone. They didn’t have to know the reason. Maybe she was just letting loose. It’s a fucking Friday, you gotta live a little. She moved to rejoin her friends on the couch, a little tipsy and inattentive, wine in hand. While the rest of them continued to play video games and talk about stuff Beau didn’t particularly care about—Caleb seemingly deciding to take a nap on the floor—she let her self distance a bit.

Beau spent way too much time that at night scrolling social media. At first it was merely a distraction, a means of drawing her mind off of all the crap that she definitely didn’t want to think about. Switching between twitter, facebook, and instagram, Beau felt restless and the wine was starting to hit. Instagram was more entertaining, reading people’s boring statuses and bad twitter takes wasn’t the most enjoyable when you want to drown out all the noise. She started watching people’s insta stories. Jester’s was first in the line up. Several pictures and short videos of their picnic earlier, a selfie with the pizza that Beau had somehow missed her taking, and one with the _New Post_ sticker that she assumed would be a piece of art. She went to Jester’s profile and sure enough it was the studies of Fjord from earlier, plus the picture she snapped. It was pure gold, she couldn’t wait for Fjord to see it and be utterly embarrassed. It made her smile. Obviously Beau was going to like and comment, she always did. But when she went to type a familiar username caught her eye.

**_SuperReani_ **

****

_Amazing as always, Jester! You’re so talented <3_

Beau felt herself audibly groan, but no one was really paying attention. She dropped her phone in her lap and tried to think of anything else but the total mess that “relationship” had been. Beau felt bad that she’d sort of ghosted her… and Keg. Fuck she was just shit at relationships, both of them were really nice and cool, but Beau always found herself getting cold feet. Once more she tried to find anything else to think about, something completely unrelated. She found her thoughts drifting back towards Yasha. A sudden impulse overcame her and she began frantically searching for any in inkling of Yasha on facebook, twitter, insta, fuck it even tinder. Sure it was borderline stalking but. Beau just had to know more about her. She couldn’t stop thinking about her. She didn’t even know where to start other than a name. Twitter seemed useless. Most people don’t use their actual names anyway… the next logical step was instagram, facebook was dying and Beau wanted to look at her, not just a tiny profile pick of a potentially private account— though that could happen on insta too, but Beau desperately hoped it would be public. She typed her name into the search bar and sure enough she saw the encouraging sign; _followed by SuperReani +5 more._ She stared at it for a moment before eagerly opening the profile. To Beau’s relief and some fucking stroke of luck Yasha wasn’t on private.

_Shit._ She was even more captivating than Beau remembered— granted she had been fairly far away when she first saw her, but she still knew beautiful when she saw it. She found herself hungrily looking through photos. They were interesting with no real theme or aesthetic; not like Jester’s loli-pastel art stuff, or Keg’s gym selfies, or Nott’s pictures of her family, Cad’s plants and cups of tea, or even Caleb’s countless pictures of Frumpkin. No, Yasha’s account was actually pretty cool _._ There was a depth there that Beau hadn’t expected. Thoughtful pictures of flowers, some delicate and pressed, some living and wild. Yasha had photos from her rugby games, pictures with friends at what appeared to be at a circus. And the most interesting… and fucking hot… was a post with pictures of Yasha in all black, lace up pants, a bondage harness with nothing but a mesh top and pasties underneath. Streaky black makeup ran down her face as she screamed into a microphone with a bass guitar over her shoulder. Beau swallowed hard. Yasha was in a band. Yasha sang and played bass in what looked to be an angsty riot grrrl punk band. She felt her stomach flutter and heat rise up her neck and onto her cheeks. You know what they say about bassists, expert hands… Beau lived for this shit. She swiped through the several pictures in the post, looking at the close ups and zooming in on them. She had to admit she felt a little dirty sort of lusting over a girl she knew nothing about, but it seemed to be less bothersome the more swigs of Cabernet Sauvignon she took. Just as Beau was getting a closer look her thumb slipped slightly, a heart popping up on the screen.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._ Beau wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. She couldn’t believe she just liked a months old photo of someone who had no idea of her existence. She couldn’t unlike the photo, that would be even more suspicious. So Beau did the only thing she could think of, follow Yasha. It was both stupid and a decent save. People follow random accounts all the time. Besides, they had 5 followers/ people they were following in common. They go to the same university. It made sense right? She could’ve just come up in Beau’s recommended. Yeah, that made sense. But she began to worry that it was totally weird and stalker-y that she liked such an old photo. She needed to be less suspicious, less conspicuous. She started to like several newer posts, but it then it dawned on her that that was also weird and creepy. Now she was mildly panicking. Beau took another swig of overpriced wine and threw her phone beside her. She sighed as she tossed her head back against the wall. She was definitely overthinking this. She was really in it now. Beau looked around the room anxiously, hoping no one was privy to her little episode, but she made eye contact with Caduceus. _No. Fucking no._

“You alright there Beau? You look like you just saw a ghost.”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah! I’m good. Totally fine. Nothing going on at all.” She definitely sounded drunk.

“That’s… really not—” Caduceus sighed. “I know you’re not being entirely honest. You’re very easy to read when you’re drunk and you’ve been funny all night. Maybe you should drink some water or have a nice cup of tea, get some sleep and see how you feel in the morning?”

“I think that’s a good idea Beau!” Jester chimed in. “You’re pretty drunk…” her voice did that sweet singsong-y thing that she usually did when she hinted at something. “Come on, everyone’s getting pretty sleepy anyway. We should get to bed so we can have lots of fun tomorrow! Reani told me there’s gonna be this super cool really awesome party and I KNOW how much you like parties, Beau.”

“Reani?” Beau groaned.

“Yeah… Is that okay? We don’t have to if you don’t want to but I thought it could be fun if we went… she knows the people who are having the party and said that lots of people were going to be there and that there would be cupcakes and drinks and games and stuff! And a keg— you would totally be able to out do everyone else’s keg stands Beau! You are super strong and can drink A LOT. Ooh! Maybe there’s like a contest or something! And a prize… I wonder what a prize would be? It would be really stupid if it was wasn’t cake or donuts or something, you know? Nothing is better than pastries.”

Beau laughed softly at how excited Jester was and looked at her fondly. It was so hard to say no to her. 

“Fine, okay. But only if you help me hide from all my failed hookups that might be there. I don’t want it to get awkward.” 

“Okie-dokie. I’m like the best lookout and wingman too if you need one. It’s like my specialty, right Nott?”

“Oh absolutely, Jessie! You should see the advice she gives me with Yeza works out. She’s _really good!”_

Veth’s insinuations weren’t something Beau necessarily wanted to think about at the moment. 

“Alright, alright! I already said I’d go. I’m wine drunk and tired and ready to call it a night…” She groaned. 

At that point it was evident that the evening was coming to a close and the rest of the Nein gathered their things and said their goodbyes, agreeing to having dinner together sometime this week. In all honesty it was a blur to Beau. She’d polished off two bottles of wine and her head was beginning to spin. Jester lead her to her bed after their friends left, helped Beau out of he boots, brought her a glass of water and made sure she was ok. 

“Make sure you drink ALL of it.” Jester said sternly as she forced the cup into Beau’s hands. “Good night, Beau.” 

Jester kissed Beau softly on the head before padding back to the kitchen to clean up. It left Beau with an uncomfortable fluttering sensation rising from the pit of her stomach, but she willed herself not to read too much into it. That was 100% platonic, Jester was just affectionate like that. It didn’t mean anything. Trying to drown out all and any thoughts, not to mention the ever growing woozy feeling taking over her, she chugged the water firmly grasped in her her slightly clammy hands. It was refreshing, cool, and only a little sobering. Maybe if she took a shower it would help too? But Beau thought better of it. It was after 1 am and she was exhausted. She’d shower in the morning, skip her run most likely, and have as much coffee and greasy food as she could stomach. She didn’t want to be hung over if they were going to a party, especially if she wanted to drink that night too. It felt a little gross, but she was too tired and drunk to brush her teeth so she just rolled over in her bed, attempting to get comfortable. Normally she’d set some sort of alarm, but that definitely wasn’t happening tonight so she decided to scroll through her insta feed until she passed out. Her eyes grew heavier as the minutes progressed and she felt sleep creeping up on her. She was ready to pass the fuck out when her phone vibrated. There on the screen was a notification. _Yasha_Nydoorin followed you back._

Beau’s heart skipped several beats as she felt her face growing hotter and redder. She bolted up right, pulling her knees to her chest and leaning over to see her phone better. Her heart pounded in her ears as she read the notification several times. It seemed too good to be true and a little bizarre, especially after Beau made the ever embarrassing faux pas of liking a months old photo, panic liking another, and subsequently panicking following both missteps. But she wasn’t complaining. The girl she was so captivated with followed her back!? Beau said a silent thank you to whatever god might be listening. She flung herself back onto the bed, phone clutched to her chest, and let sleep take over. 

In the morning Beau’s hangover was blessedly minimal. She was fucking grateful, being hungover on a Saturday was torture. Sunday was created to nurse headaches, dehydration, and overwhelming nausea. She knew if she had a hearty breakfast, some coffee, and a shit ton of electrolyte drinks usually reserved for workouts she’d be perfectly fine and dandy by the time of the party Jester was dragging her to. She didn’t want to admit it, preferring to feign disinterest, but Beau was excited for the chance to go out, drink, and get out of her head. She liked letting loose. She liked the possibility of chance and excitement that comes with the adrenaline mixed with whatever goes into a red solo cup. It was a lot easier for her to let go of control, stoicism, and curated self image when you were lost in the crowd, drunk and potentially high off your ass. 

Beau thought fondly back to spring break in Hupperdook. It was a wild trip that gave her a strange new perspective on some of their friends, especially seeing Fjord and Caleb get piss drunk. It was amusing, seeing as they were usually so composed. Fjord leaning into the ruse he was gonna hire some sex workers was not something Beau expected, but she wouldn’t judge. She’d certainly had the thought before. And then there was Caleb; quiet, closed off, angsty Caleb. He was talkative, affectionate, and surprisingly revealing–– mentioning his ex girlfriend to all of their surprise. Beau had never even considered that fact that he’d ever been in a relationship. The memories were mostly fond, but it made her miss Molly and his talent for having the most wild and crazy time whenever the opportunity struck. Now whenever Beau partied she thought of him and let herself indulge in the debauchery in his honor. Tonight she’d certainly be thinking of him. 

Beau’s day leading up to the party was mostly uneventful. She lounged around for a couple of hours, watching some documentary for class curled up in her bed. Jester had gone out for the day, visiting her mom and going shopping. Beau had been tasked with watching Sprinkle, which wasn’t hard at all, but she was still trying to recuperate some and only did the bare minimum. She decided to get whatever homework she could manage done so it wouldn’t be looming over her head or left to the last minute, she was trying so hard to have just a crumb of responsibility. She found it difficult though, her thoughts flying rapidly from one subject to the next. She was unable to pin them down to a singular focus. It was fucking frustrating. She decided to finish the documentary and then resigned herself to giving up on homework altogether. It was just one of those kind of days. Maybe hopping in the shower would do her some good, help her clear her mind. She didn’t bother to pick out an outfit beforehand, knowing Jester would probably want to dress her up and do her makeup. Beau wasn’t really a makeup and dress person. She was definitely more butch and preferred to stay that way. But the way that Jester got so excited at the idea of being Beau’s stylist made it hard to refuse her. 

Before cleaning herself up Beau shot Jester a text, trying to ascertain when her roommate would be home. She wasn’t sure if she should make dinner or if Marion was treating her daughter to some traditional Nicodranas food. Jester didn’t respond, so Beau turned on the water and waited for it to get perfectly hot. It was a little strange, but Beau liked her showers borderline scalding. She wasn’t really sure why, but it felt good and relaxed her muscles after many an intense workout. She sat around for a while, nothing but a towel wrapped around her, hair down and waiting impatiently. She’d placed her phone on the counter a few minutes ago, trying to ignore the temptation of spam texting Jester and Veth, if only to get her mind off of all the bullshit. But she found her self reaching for it while the water slowly climbed to the ideal warmth. She leaned over the counter, unlocking her phone and opening up tinder just for the hell of it. She was bored and Yasha was still living in her head rent free. It was mindless swiping, simply to pass the time. Maybe Beau was making snap judgments, but Yasha didn’t seem like the type to be on this godforsaken hook up app. But Beau kept swiping anyway. Left, left, left, left. None of the girls were her type. She didn’t want to match with them anyway. She was on a mission and that mission was finding the captain of the rugby team that took her breath away not even 24 hours ago. 

Beau’s thumb was starting to get tired and the steam was rising steadily now, letting her know the shower was ready. _Just a few more._ She told herself as she continued to scroll through. As she willed herself to swipe only one more time, Yasha’s profile slid onto her screen. Beau felt herself blushing, butterflies swarming rapidly in her chest. The flutters intensified as she clicked it open. The first photo was the one Beau had stupidly liked on insta. The same sexy, angsty look that gave Beau shivers. Of course she was fucking swiping right— but not before reading Yasha’s about me:

_I’m tall? (That’s how this works right?) I’m in a band called the Orphan Makers and I like collecting flowers. I don’t know what I’m doing at any given time. I could probably dead lift you if you’re into that?_

Beau felt her cheeks getting even redder. She began to feel a little light headed, but maybe that was just the steam beginning to overwhelm the bathroom. She stared at the profile a little longer before biting the bullet and swiping right. No match… Beau’s stomach sank a bit, but she tried to reassure herself that Yasha just hadn’t seen her profile yet. _Stay positive._ She jumped in the shower, willing herself to ease her mind and hoping that by the time she got out Jester would be back to distract her… whatever that meant. 

By the time she got out of the shower it was after 6 pm. She’d spent the day basically doing nothing, which was a welcome respite for someone who always seemed to be swamped with bullshit. She dried her hair, examining her undercut intently. It was longer than she liked. Beau preferred the sides to be pretty short and the razored in lines that said “hey look, I’m gay!” had begun to blend into the rest of her hair. She decided that if she was going to go to this party that she better shape it up, she wasn’t about to have any nasty ass dudes try to hit on her— not that it always worked, but a bitch could try. As she got out the clippers she heard the front door open, Jester calling out into the apartment.

“Hellooo? Beau are you home? Mama and I had the best day! She said she misses you by the way and if you wanted to come next time that she’d super cool with it. Where are you? Are you pooping?” 

Beau laughed, every time Jester asked embarrassing invasive questions it was hilarious. It may be inappropriate sometimes, but it never failed to be funny.

“Nah, I just got out of the shower.” Beau shouted back.

“Oh!” Jester’s voice was drawn out. She gasped before speaking again. “OMG! Are you naked?” She giggled. 

Beau rolled her eyes fondly. She was wrapped in a soft blue towel, but yeah she was naked. 

“What do you think Jess?” Beau laughed. 

She could hear Jester throw something down on the counter and start walking towards the bathroom. Jester knocked on the door way too many times than necessary, but Beau had shrugged off the rest of her grogginess so it was a non issue. 

“Do you want to get ready for the party, Beau?” She said through the door. “I know it doesn’t start ‘til 10, but I think it’ll probably take us a while to get dressed and stuff, you know? We should look extra good. AND! I don’t know if you ate dinner, but if you’re going to get drunk tonight you need to. I don’t want to hold your hair back at 4 am but you know I will ‘cause I love youuu.” Her voice pitched up in a melodic way at the end.

“Okay, I’ll be out in a minute. Can you shape up my hair by the way? I don’t love how long the sides are.” 

“Sure! I love doing your hair.” Beau could hear Jester’s smile through the door. 

After Beau got somewhat dressed for the time being and ate dinner, she walked back to their shared bedroom. Jester was sitting at her vanity, finishing curling her hair and doing her makeup. She turned back to face Beau as she wove silver jewelry around her horns and smiled. Beau felt herself blush a bit as she studied Jester. She had on a sort of slip dress, silky and pink with high slits that exposed her thighs. She wore a black leather joker around her neck, the kind with the little o-ring that gives off bratty switch energy… not that Beau would know or anything. She swallowed hard, knowing full well that Jester knew exactly what she was doing.

“What do you think? Do I look like my Mama?” She cocked an eyebrow, a small giggle escaping her lips. 

Jester turned back towards her mirror, letting out a small sigh. 

“Fjord will be there to, you know… Do you think he’ll like it.” Her voice sounded uncharacteristically unsure. 

Beau smiled softly at her. “If he doesn’t he’s fucking stupid. You look amazing. Your mom would 100% approve.”

Jester turned around again and smiled, another tiny laugh leaving her. Sometimes she craved validation and that’s ok, everybody does. Beau was always happy to indulge her. She deserved it. 

“Okay, okay, okay! Now it’s you’re turn!” Jester said excitedly.

Beau groaned a bit before smirking back at her.

“How do you want to look? I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or anything.” Jester gave an expression that reminded Beau of that stupid pleading face emoji. 

Beau contemplated for several moments, trying to figure out what would she wanted. Or maybe it was more of a vibe she was going for. She wanted to look hot, butch, and maybe even slightly intimidating. She found herself thinking about Yasha again with the word intimidating. Beau had to be honest with herself. Yasha had a sort of imposing appearance that made her feel slightly weak in the knees. Beau shook her head briefly, trying to bring her thoughts back to her best friend, to getting ready, back to the party. But she began to wonder if Yasha would be there… and if she was Beau wanted her to notice her. But what the fuck would she be into? Beau let out an audible sigh, feeling confused and a little overwhelmed. 

“What is it?” Jester inquired. 

“Nothing, I’m just not sure what I want…” Beau trailed off. “I guess how I usually look, but like… edgy?” Her voice wavered with uncertainty.

“Beau, are you trying to impress someone!?” 

“What? No!” God she sounded super defensive. 

“Okayyy, what ever you say.” Jester sang. “I think I know what to do, though.” 

Jester smiled at Beau, first taking out the clippers to shape up the designs in her undercut. As she carefully cut in zigzag patterns, tongue poking through her perfectly painted lipstick, Beau continued to hope Yasha would be at the party. She couldn’t stop thinking about the small possibility that she’d get to see her, let a lone talk to her. It was driving her anxiety even higher the more she thought about it. Jester continued to work, hyper focused and skilled. When she was finished she started tying Beau’s hair into her usual topknot and showing her the finished product in the mirror, she was rightfully proud of her work.

“Time to pick your outfit! I’ll grab some stuff and then we can really look and decide.” She smiled. 

Beau nodded as Jester rummaged through her closet and drawers. She pulled out various pants and blazers, crop tops and bralettes, as well as way too many shoes to choose from. Beau was content with combat boots, button ups and shorts— but she didn’t want to look casual. She wanted to be noticed, to grab attention— especially Yasha’s attention. Jester pulled Beau out of the chair and toward the bed. She pointed out her picks to her best friends, letting Beau mull them over for a moment. All Beau could do was shrug. She felt a little out of her element in all honesty. She wasn’t sure what to do and in a breathy confused tone told Jester to decide for her. The pure joy that spread across Jester’s face was infectious as she grabbed various articles of clothing off of Beau’s bed. 

“You’re going to look so good!” 

Beau forced a smile as she started putting on the clothes that Jester had shoved in her arms. When she was done Jester dragged her to the full length mirror, letting Beau get a good look at herself. Jester really did know what she was doing because Beau felt… well, kind of sexy? That wasn’t something that happened to often, but Beau genuinely felt confident. Jester had but her in a short sleeve button up that was only partially buttoned, exposing her chest a fair amount. The shimmery black fabric with undertones of gold complimented her skin nicely and made her collarbones a focal point. She had tucked it partially into a pair of tight high waisted black shorts with leather graters on her thighs that made her toned legs look impossibly long. The platform boots Jester put her in definitely accentuated her calves and showed off her toned physique. Damn she was impressed. Beau let jester finish doing her makeup— nothing too fancy, just the basics, though she did let Jester get a little dramatic with the eyeliner. But overall Beau really, really like how she looked. And in the back of her mind, hoping Yasha would be there, that she would too.

“See, I told you!” Jester exclaimed.

“Yeah, yeah you did.” Beau’s voice was raspy as she smiled at herself in the mirror.

“It’s 9:30… Are you ready?” Jester asked as she looked at her phone.

“As I’ll ever be… Thanks, Jester.” Beau gave her a quick hug before they left the apartment.

Walking out into the humid august night, Beau found her heart rate fluctuating wildly. The closer they got to the house party, the more intense her nerves were. She wasn’t normally a nervous person, but right now she was feeling all out of sorts. She took several deep breaths as the approached the front door, suddenly feeling way too exposed. But she didn’t have much time to think or ease her mind as Jester excitedly pounded on the front door. Beau was looking everywhere but the house, waiting for someone to let them in. When the door finally opened Jester flew directly into her chaotically disarming charm.

“Hi! We’re here for the party? I know we’re like on time and whatever, and that’s kind of not how things usually go… no one really shows up _right_ when parties start and stuff, but we’re sort of friends with Reani… she’s here right? Do you know her? She’s super cool and pretty and we’re basically best friends.” Jester smiled widely. 

The voice that answered her was soft and a little uncertain.

“Uh, yeah… you can come in? I, uh. Yeah. Yeah I know Reani. She’s in the kitchen if you wanted to go say hi.”

“Come on Beau!” Jester tugged her through the threshold and toward the kitchen.

Beau finally turned back towards the door as Jester pulled her into the house. Her eyes traveled slowly, the owner of the voice coming into view. Beau felt her face grow incredibly warm, her heart beating even faster than before. Stumbling through the entryway, Beau’s world suddenly stood still as she locked eyes with Yasha. _Fucking shit._


	3. Seeing Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beau’s hopes of a carefree night don’t go exactly as planned. She’d be lying if she said she was prepared for the fates to deal her a confusing hand, but she doesn’t control what other people do— or how they might steer the night off course and into uncertain territory. Beau is a useless lesbian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Sorry this took me ages... between work and chronic pain stuff— oof. But here we are! Chapter 3!! Thank you so much again for the support. It means a lot to me. 
> 
> I took some inspiration from Marisha and Ashley’s playlists, so hopefully it’s a nice little nod. Anyway, please enjoy the next installment of a disaster lesbian’s inability to navigate talking to women.  
> ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Beau stood awkwardly in the far corner of the kitchen, watching her best friend chat away wildly with her failed “ex”— if you could even call Reani an ex. She couldn’t fault Jester though, Reani was amazing. She was beautiful, super sweet, incredibly talented at making flower crowns, and genuinely fun to hang out with. But Beau had unfortunately made things awkward and never texted her back after their last date and panicked to the point where she had avoided her altogether. Reani was obviously hurt at first, but she seemed cool now, at least with the rest of the Nein. She was probably okay with Beau too, because she was a literal angel, but it still made her uncomfortable. So she just sat on the counter, zoned out with a disgustingly strong vodka mix in her hand desperately trying to tune out the pair. It was difficult, but there were plenty of oddly interesting things to focus on. She found her eyes traveling, studying her surroundings as the house began to fill with people eager to get wasted. It was obvious to Beau who the freshman were. They’re always the same; fidgety, desperate, and sucking up to anyone who seems like they know what they’re doing. They have a tendency to rush for the booze and get too drunk too quickly. Good times.

She went through that phase way before university though. That’s what happens when your family’s in the wine business, extremely strict, and indifferent towards you. Maybe she was projecting way too much on underclassmen, but you can’t help noticing the obvious. It was entertaining for a while, watching people figuring themselves out and trying to be noticed. She liked studying people, making inferences and observations about their behavior. Perhaps anthropology was the perfect major for her after all. It’s read theory, study people, analyze, write a complex semi-bullshitted paper, repeat. Maybe one day Beau would write an in-depth analysis about partying and hookup culture— she had enough experience to make it a self explorative auto-ethnography. But that sounded boring and way too revealing, besides Dairon would probably say it was reductive pandering and far beneath her capabilities. It would definitely be more interesting to go back to the illegal fight club and write a stirring observation of people’s motivations for being there. But why the fuck was she thinking about bullshit academia and thesis possibilities at a party?

The first party of the semester… Yeah, sure she was trying not to be too obsessive about all the ways an interaction with Reani might cause awkward tensions, but ruminating about her academic and professional future was not what she wanted to spend her Saturday night doing. Beau had to admit she was looking for an excuse to think of literally anything other than exes and the possibility of fucking up something new. No better way to tank your potential than to focus on all the wrong things. But once again she couldn’t help it. She was impulsive and one hundred and twenty percent depressed-horny, but she wasn’t about to go advertising that. Regretting things with someone that didn’t work out and thirsting after the first pretty face without having ever talked to the person wasn’t going to fix that. Idealizing people is taking a bold step into hot water. There were plenty of reminders. Idealizing always leads to heartbreak. Beau needed to get the fuck out of the kitchen. She found herself yearning to wander around aimlessly, far away from Jester and Reani— for now. She sighed loudly as she hopped off the edge of the counter. She slipped past the small crowd that had gathered around the pair, who were still happily chatting away, and disappeared into the swarm of people.

The space was slowly beginning to fill out, more and more bodies taking up space and breeding an atmosphere of heat mingled with sweat and vodka. It was disgusting in a nostalgic sort of way. It’s times like these she misses Molly the most. He knew how to have fun, truly live in the chaos of the moment, and not dwell on bullshit. He was spontaneous, reveled in debauchery, and did not give a single fuck. Time to channel that energy. She knocked back an obscenely strong shot and built up the nerve to throw herself out into the swarm of tipsy college kids in hopes of forgetting for a little while. The music was loud, trashy, and not at all her taste, but that’s what made it fun. Well, it was a lot more fun when you can sing along badly with your friends and dance in far too close proximity to someone you have a ‘platonic’ relationship with. Beau prayed that Jester would come find her soon or at least text her. She knew Jester wouldn’t ditch her _intentionally_ , she was just really outgoing and often got caught up in making new friends or catching up with old ones. Beau, unfortunately was not remotely that warm and fuzzy. It made for a somewhat awkward dynamic, especially when she was in one of her ‘moods’—but it didn’t seem to bother Jester or any of their other friends for that matter.

Beau squeezed by a couple or far too drunk this early in the night freshman and made her way back to the front door. By now she was feeling a bit buzzed and slightly out of sorts after bumping into Reani and thought that some fresh air and a shitty beer might help calm her nerves. She swiped an unopened PBR off the coffee table, she didn’t give a single shit that it definitely belonged to some wildly inattentive blond guy she half recognized from Fjord’s major. Marius something? He was a total douche with stupid hair and, according to Fjord, vain as fuck with a knack for trouble. Beau doubted he’d notice her stealing his beer as she approached. And she was right. Marius was so wrapped up in schmoozing that he was blissfully unaware of her presence. A golden opportunity presented itself, a moment for Beau to take out some of her frustrations. As she passed, Marius’s pretentious undercut taunting her, she quickly whacked him in the back of the head— not hard of course, just enough to catch him by surprise. She laughed to herself as he defensively whipped around, eyes wide with confusion. He searched for the culprit but by then Beau was already halfway out the door. A satisfied smirk crossed her face as she stepped out into the muggy August night.

At this point it was way past 11 and Beau was bored and feeling a little slighted. She sighed into the beer as she brought it to her lips. She could feel the music vibrating the entire house behind her, she was grateful to be outside as dozens of drunk people screamed along to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen.” She wasn’t nearly intoxicated enough to enjoy ABBA unironically. As she swirled around the last dregs of PBR, she heard the front door squeak open behind her. Curiosity got the better of her, compelling her to investigate the source and turn around. A flash of heat spread across her cheeks as she made eye contact with Yasha. _Yasha_. Beau swallowed hard, her mouth suddenly felt incredibly dry and she was sweating more than she cared to admit. The eye contact felt both embarrassingly long and perfectly intimate. Beau would be lying to herself if she denied it felt like every romcom she’d ever been forced to watch with Jester—continually having awkward encounters with someone you’re interested in just to move the plot along. Well, this was only the second time they’ve interacted, but Beau was counting her instagram fumble that led to Yasha following her back, making it a grand total of three. Gawking over Yasha on the quad didn’t count, that was just the opener.

She wasn’t sure how long their stare actually lasted, but she didn’t want to be the one to break first. She wasn’t sure if it was a competitive dominance thing or if she just never wanted to look away from the impossibly gorgeous woman standing like a deer in headlights before her. Beau’s desires were partially satiated when Yasha broke first, eyes darting to the ground. Beau took note of her body language; shrinking and nervous. She opened her mouth to say something, but no sound came out. Her throat decided it was the perfect time to seize up and her brain struggled to form a coherent thought. Thankfully she didn’t have to force herself to break the silence either, Yasha did it for her.

“Oh, uh hi? Do you.. you don’t… you don’t mind if I sit out here do you?” Yasha stumbled over her words.

Beau found it incredibly endearing.

“Nah, you’re good.” She leaned back against the porch railing.

Yasha nodded as she moved into an identical position on the opposite side of the steps. Once more silence took over and the awkward aura resurfaced. Beau desperately wanted to say something, but nothing she thought of sounded remotely good enough. She was awful at small talk and was so sure that whatever came out of her mouth would be incredibly weird or abrasive. She didn’t want to drive Yasha away, this was her opportunity not to be a creep and just resign to social media stalking and never actually interacting with her. Beau wanted to get to know her, but her nerves seemed to be taking over. She was absolutely overthinking this. She fidgeted with the tab on the can and hoped that by some miracle she could make it through the next few moments without screwing things up one way or another.

“It’s loud in there.” Yasha shouted over the music.

“Yeah, too much bass. Too pop-y?” Beau replied.

Yasha smiled softly as she brought a red solo cup to her lips. Beau couldn’t help but smile back. This might be awkward, but most first conversations are, right?

“Not really my taste.” She continued.

Beau watched as Yasha nodded in agreement. Her eyes darting back to the ground after they made contact for the third time that night. Her stomach began doing flips as she tried desperately to calm her nerves. She wondered what was going through Yasha’s head, if there was a small possibility that she made her nervous too. Maybe she was projecting, maybe she was hopeful.

She continued to drum her fingers on the side of the beer can as she thought of ways to continue this “conversation.” Again, nothing came to mind and Beau wished she was slightly more intoxicated so she would stop overthinking a simple human interaction. Yasha’s voice cut through her panic spiral after several more moments of prolonged silence however.

“What is your taste? In music I mean. What’s your taste in music?” She was still staring into her cup as she yelled over the bass.

“Uh…”

Beau trailed off. She wanted to impress her. She wanted to seem worldly and interesting, something that would grab her attention. Yasha seemed so exciting and mysterious— and well she was. Beau knew absolutely nothing about her, which of course made her want to know everything. Based on what she had seen on instagram, which honestly was more than she would’ve hoped for, Yasha was a beautiful subject ready for study. Beau had to think of something good, something honest. Beau was a pretty big bullshitter, but she didn’t want to bullshit this. Yasha seemed too good for bullshit.

“Oh, you know… Joan Jett, Alanis Morissette, No doubt, Nirvana…” She glanced over at Yasha, carefully gaging her reaction with narrowed eyes.

There was a pregnant pause between them, Beau’s anticipation nearly smothering her. But Yasha placated the anxiety with another small nod and a soft smile.

“Good taste.”

“Yeah? At least I think so.” _Nailed it, Beau_. “Um… What kind of stuff do you like?” Beau fought every urge to move closer to her. Yeah yelling over the music was awkward, but Beau feared that if she stepped even a foot toward Yasha she might spontaneously combust.

“Oh, uh…” Beau swore she saw a bit of blush surface on Yasha’s cheeks. But maybe it was just alcohol flush and August heat. “You know… Nine Inch Nails, Massive Attack, Led Zepplin… Dodie.” Her voice seemed to trail off at the end.

“Huh, haven’t heard of Dodie. I’ll have to listen sometime.” She offered Yasha a small smile.

“Yeah, she’s good. I like her a lot.” Her voice blended into the music blaring behind them. It seemed like there was some apprehension there, or maybe it was self-consciousness that caused Yasha’s voice to soften.

Once again Beau could feel her face get hot, her chest fluttering in time with the music.

“I’m Beau by the way.” She shouted. She hoped her nerves weren’t audible.

“I know—”

The look of embarrassment that flashed across Yasha’s face was obvious. Beau didn’t feel so uncomfortable anymore. Yasha’s social awkwardness was rather charming.

“I mean I recognized you— you know, from your instagram? You followed me last night. I thought you looked familiar.” She avoided eye contact at all costs.

“Oh yeah. Sorry for spam liking… I was drunk.” _Fuck_. That was so much worse.

Beau could kick herself. If she wanted Yasha to talk to her that was absolutely the wrong thing to say. Now she definitely sounded like a creep and quite possibly turned Yasha off from ever interacting with her again. This was going so horribly wrong.

“Oh, no. That’s okay…” Yasha trailed off.

It seemed as though Beau had totally ruined the flow and cut short their conversation. She felt defeated and honestly? Really fucking stupid. She was always putting her foot in her mouth and when she wasn’t she might as well come across as arrogant and cocky. Neither of those things make for good impressions. She was really blowing it and searching frantically for a way to recover or back out entirely.

She continued to internally berate herself, focus completely narrowing and picking apart every aspect of their interaction. She wasn’t trying to be rude or ignore Yasha, but her brain just wouldn’t stop ruminating. It was making her antsy. She wanted another drink but she felt like it would be impolite to just bolt back into the house without saying anything. She wanted to say something, to somehow recover from her perceived blunder but she couldn’t get out of her head. Suddenly the front porch started feeling just as smothering as the living room had been and she needed some way to catch her breath. Beau looked out into the darkness, frantically searching for something to help her recenter when the familiar silhouette of Fjord came into focus. She squinted out into the distance, watching as he chatted with Caduceus. The pair were talking away excitedly, whatever it was it had Fjord smiling. It made Beau happy to see him like this. He’d been self conscious about his smile for far too long and it wasn’t until Jester had said she liked it that he’d tried to be more confident. Right now Beau wished some of that confidence would rub off on her.

She continued to fidget with the tab on the can until her friends drew closer, chancing subtle glances at Yasha as the moments passed. She Let her eyes linger as she memorized certain features—the subtle wave of her hair, that despite the intricate braids looked incredibly soft. It made Beau want to run her fingers through it, to test if it felt like she imagined. She let herself bookmark even more, cataloguing things to think about later when she’d inevitably obsess again. Her eyes grazed down Yasha’s physique, catching on a gorgeously intricate tattoo. It was composed of beautiful flowers and runes with shades of green. Beau was curious as to its meaning, not that all tattoos have to mean something, but one as detailed as Yasha’s had to have some symbolism there. It brought her to thoughts of her own tattoo, once again feeling butterflies swell inside her as she thought of a possible conversation they could have over a shared trait. She made an effort to shake off the anxiety, brushing her fingers across the back of her neck to trace the all seeing eye partially obscured by her hair. But her focus was shifted as her friends approached, a breath of relief escaped her and she waved just enthusiastically enough for Caduceus to believe she was fine. She hoped it was working.

“Hey man!” Beau shouted over the music, lightly punching Fjord in the arm as he attempted to hug her.

“Beau.” He smiled suspiciously. “You’re out here all by yourself? Is Jester with you or—” He trailed off as he looked beyond her shoulder.

“Yeah she ditched me.” Beau said sarcastically, eyes rolling to punctuate her point.

“Ah, I see.” He nodded. “Do you want another drink? Caduceus and I are headed in if you want to join us.”

“Hey Cad,” Beau waved awkwardly at the impossibly tall firbolg lingering behind Fjord.

“Hi.” He grinned, eyes slightly glazed over and an aura of calm hanging about him. “It’s nice out here. I might hangout here if you don’t go back inside— needed some air?” He questioned. He always had questions.

Beau noted the telltale signs of a recent smoke session and smirked knowingly at him. She shook her head before replying, trying not to seem too forlorn about how the evening was going thus far.

“Yeah, it’s like a fucking sauna in there— only the steam is vodka sweat.” She wrinkled her nose as she remembered the unpleasant stench. “Not my idea of a good time, but there’s plenty of booze which kind of makes up for shitty atmosphere.”

“Hmm, sounds riveting.” Fjord interjected, eyes darting between her and Caduceus.

“You seem sad, friend.” Cad commented, the very thing Beau was dreading.

“I’m not sad!” She protested. “It’s just not as fun when you’re by yourself. It’s about time you fuckers got here. I was so bored I started thinking about my term paper the first weekend back.” She shuddered.

“Come on then, let’s find Jester and get your mind off homework. That’s a terrible way to spend a Saturday night.” Fjord gently elbowed her.

“Aye Aye, Captain.” She ribbed.

As the trio turned to head inside, Beau caught Yasha in her sights. Her heart sunk into her stomach and she felt a pang of guilt rise inside her for some reason. She didn’t want to leave her alone out here or cut short their conversation. But she wasn’t sure how to keep things going or if it would be weird to invite Yasha to hang out with them seeing as they just met. She looked lonely and slightly dejected however, and instinct took over. The next thing Beau knew she was moving closer to her, Fjord and Caduceus in tow.

“Uh hey, guys. This is Yasha.” Beau blurted as she tugged both her friends closer. She hoped the redness on her cheeks wasn’t obvious.

“Oh! Hi. It’s nice to meet you?” It was more of a question than a statement.

“Nice to meet you, Yasha. I’m Fjord” He smiled, hand outstretched for her to shake before glancing back at Beau suspiciously.

“Caduceus Clay.” The firbolg chimed in, offering her a friendly wave.

Beau swallowed hard. She needed to collect herself. She noticed the look of confusion on Yasha’s face, or perhaps it was shock. Despite her intimidating appearance she seemed genuinely flustered and shy. It left Beau feeling a little wistful. She didn’t want her to feel called out or exposed. Maybe her brusque “friendliness” was driving Yasha away? But she pushed through her doubts and attempted to be a semi functioning human being.

“Yeah, we just met and stuff. She seems pretty cool.” Why did she say that? _Seems cool?_ God she was a disaster. She needed to recover _again_. “Apparently inside wasn’t agreeing with her either.”

Fjord nodded slowly, it was obvious he was trying to get a read on Beau’s emotional state.

“Well, hopefully it’ll start agreeing with you soon. Maybe we’ll catch up with you later tonight.” Caduceus called out from behind his friends.

Beau froze, her whole body suddenly going into stasis. Her eyes were wide and embarrassment threatened to make itself visible. _Fuck you Caduceus_. She tried not to groan and willed herself to shoot him the most obvious spiteful glare she could muster, but he simply shrugged and smiled at her. He knew shit. How did he always know shit? No matter how hard any of their friends tried to hide their bullshit from him, Cad always knew something was up. She wasn’t sure if he said stuff to stir the pot or if he was genuinely concerned, but it drove her insane sometimes. She had to do everything in her power not to give in to her urge to punch him and mean it.

“Haha, I’m sure Yasha has shit she’d rather be doing than hang out with this bunch of assholes.” The words just slipped out without thinking, something that happened more often than she cared to admit.

“No— no, it’s okay. I just like it out here, the weather is nice?” Beau was certain she could see Yasha cringe at her own statement. “Maybe I’ll see you later? It was nice to meet you!” She called out over some obnoxious Chainsmokers song.

The butterflies swelled in Beau’s chest as she made eye contact with Yasha for the fourth time before being dragged into the house by her friends. The exchange between them was kind of a blur, she didn’t even remember saying goodbye other than an awkward wave. It bothered her for some reason. Every moment spent watching or talking to her was one Beau wanted to savor. It was exciting and new and something about her made Beau want to try extra hard not to mess things up. There was an exhilarating aspect to all of this that she wanted to keep going, but it was an experience she didn’t want to have to share. She wanted to keep it close to her chest, an electrifying secret to be revealed piece by piece, but there was no secret to hold onto. Nothing had happened yet and Beau was stretching 24 hours into a whole fantasy. You know, like how you meet a cute barista at a coffee shop and plan out your whole life together? Yeah that was how it was going.

Her thoughts lingered for a while on the past 15 minutes until Fjord pulled her back to reality. He’d pushed a suspicious smelling cup into her hand and waited with his arms folded expectantly.

“What?” Beau’s tone was defensive.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s peachy.” She groaned before downing the contents of her cup. “You know, good old Beau being shit at talking to people.”

“No!” Fjord’s voice was laden with sarcasm. “You were the pinnacle of grace and social decorum.”

“Oh, shut up.” She rolled her eyes. “I know I asked you to help me out with being more personable and friendly, but I’m not in the mood for a lesson right now, okay? It was bad enough that you and Cad tried to save me from _whatever that was_. Super embarrassing.”

“Are you sure you don’t want help? Because it seems like you really needed it.” Fjord teased.

“If and when I do, I’ll be sure to ask you.” She deadpanned.

Fjord threw his hands up in surrender as Beau let out a dejected sigh. The pair smiled knowingly at each other before breaking into a small bout of laughter. She enjoyed their stupid banter and she was elated to finally have someone to hangout with after losing Jester earlier in the night. Fjord could be pretty fun to hang out with despite his typically reserved nature. He was good to talk to and Beau felt like she could trust him with almost anything. _Almost_. If there was anyone in their group of friends she trusted the most it was probably Jester… or Caleb. Jester was alarmingly honest— or at least she genuinely believed what came out of her mouth. It was a wholesome and attractive quality that drew most people toward her. She was sincere and charismatic, something that Beau definitely wouldn’t say about herself. Caleb on the other hand… she could confide in him because he _wasn’t_ trustworthy. He was secretive and suspicious, keenly aware but kept it close to his chest. That’s precisely what made him reliable—because he “got it.” Caleb understood that not everything needs to be shared and if you do want to share it it’s not the person receiving your secret’s business to tell. It’s too bad he wasn’t here because Beau would one hundred percent go sit with him and complain until he agreed that she sucked, but not as much as him. _Well, we’re both assholes._ He’d reassure her— perhaps enabling her self doubt might be a more accurate assessment.

She knew Caleb hated parties. She couldn’t blame him. Not everyone was built for music so loud you might blow an ear drum, strobe lights, people packed so tightly that moving becomes a struggle, and nowhere to escape to if things get overwhelming. Yeah, he would absolutely be freaking out if he’d gone with them. It was better this way, but it didn’t stop her from having the urge to unload her shit on him in the vaguest sense. Maybe she’d text him, but he might be asleep already and she’d feel like a dick if she woke him up. She’d talk to him later, no sense in bothering him when he had absolutely no context for her insignificant problems. For now Fjord was enough, so long as they weren’t being studied by Caduceus or asked what was wrong by Jess she’d be golden. Cad always had a way, though it came from a place of love and concern, for making her feel uncomfortably exposed before she was ready to share. She and Fjord joked that he had some sort of mystical power that allowed him to just “know things.” Perhaps he was just overly observant, but something about his deduction skills was unsettling. He was just Caduceus. That was the best explanation she had.

Looking around the room, Beau tried to find him and Jester in the crowd, hoping that they could serve as some sort of distraction so that Fjord wouldn’t lure her into a private one on one. Right now she didn’t feel like talking to anyone. All she wanted to do was sing loudly, dance terribly, and let the alcohol do its job. She didn’t want to deal with emotions or divulge anything that might become friend group gossip. When it came to people stuff it was usually him or Caleb that she confided in— not that she didn’t love talking to Jester, it was just that she had a tendency to gush about things and get so excited it was overwhelming and that was the last thing she needed right now. She hoped that she’d see her friends dancing off in a corner somewhere without a care in the world, so much so that they wouldn’t have the wherewithal to ask about her. Making her final scan, she caught Jester bumping into Caduceus, pulling him into an enthusiastic hug. Breathing a sigh of relief, Beau let her shoulders relax. It wasn’t until just now that she realized how much tension she was holding. She took a swig of cheap vodka and mentally judged Fjord for his choice in liquor before dragging him toward their friends.

The pair squeezed through the crowded living room, somehow it was even more densely packed than it had been before. As they drew closer Beau noted the look on Fjord’s face when he saw Jester. It was absolutely priceless. It was obvious to Beau that somewhere deep inside he had feelings for her, he just didn’t know it yet. The blush that spread up from his neck and onto his cheeks was like a neon sign advertising just how much he cared about her. The pair watched as she twirled in circles, showing off her outfit to Cad. Beau smirked as she watched Fjord take note of Jester’s dress and how it fit her so perfectly, how her curls bounced as she spun, her bright smile— it was the smile that did it. Beau knew it was her smile. Who wouldn’t fall in love with something so bright and beautiful? The whole scenario was adorable and it totally gave Beau a chaotically brilliant idea. Beau was the perfect wingman, both for Fjord and Jester. At least it would totally take her mind off of Yasha for the time being. She had some pieces to set in motion and when Robyn’s “call your girlfriend” came on Beau had the perfect opportunity to be a plot device in Jester and Fjord’s cheesy romance.

She broke away from Fjord’s side and dashed toward her best friend. Grabbing Jester by the wrist, Beau pulled her out into the center of the room, singing along badly as they made their way. The music picked up and the two of them started dancing excitedly, the alcohol finally kicking in enough for Beau to stop feeling so self conscious. They jumped up and down in time with the beat, their bodies moving closer together as the crowd around them swelled. Jester giggled excitedly as they moved, she was clearly enjoying herself. It was like she was made for this; the perfect centerpiece for a night of cutting loose and finding joy in being stupid. Beau twirled her around in circles, taking the lead in their awkward drunken dancing— though Jester was completely sober. She always had a sort of natural high when there was fun to be had. As Jester spun back into Beau, their bodies pressed closer together, Beau began sowing the seeds.

“Fjord’s watching you.” She scream-whispered into Jester’s ear.

Jester turned back to catch Fjord in her sights, an obvious heat flushing across her face.

“Do you think he likes my dress? Or is it my hair?” There was a hopefulness in her voice.

“Oh he loves all of it, trust me.” Beau smirked. “You wanna really grab his attention?” she questioned.

“How?” She was bright eyed and eager.

“Just follow my lead.”

Beau spun Jester one last time until they were even closer. She hooked her arms around her neck and leaned in so their foreheads were touching. The pair swayed in time with the music as they sung along loudly— and terribly—Beau encouraging Jester to make eye contact with Fjord. The beat picked up steadily until Jester began to improvise, which Beau knew she would, she was spontaneous like that. Jester slipped out from under her grip and pressed her back into Beau. She grabbed Beau’s arms, wrapping them around her waist as she danced on her, her hips moving back and forth with the beat. Beau would be lying if she said she didn’t find it sexy, Jester grinding against her in an attempt to make Fjord jealous. She knew Jester knew how to be flirty, her mom practically wrote the book, but despite that history Jester was often too nervous to act on her feelings. It was Beau’s duty as her best friend to get Jester out of her shell and into the action and fuck she was doing a damn good job. If only she could apply the same method to her own flirting. But it didn’t matter much in the moment because the two of them were just having fun, not taking anything to seriously as they belted out the lyrics at the top of their lungs.

_Don’t tell her how I give you something_   
_That you never even knew you missed_   
_Don’t you even try and explain_   
_How it’s so different when we kiss_   
_You just tell her that the only way her heart will mend_   
_Is when she learns to love again_   
_And it won’t make sense right now but you’re still her friend_   
_And then you let her down easy_

Beau smirked as she let Jester go, sending her spinning into a now even more furiously blushing Fjord. The radiant smile that graced her best friend’s lips was all the thanks she needed. Beau tossed Fjord a self satisfied wink, watching as he froze in place for a moment before hesitantly dancing with Jester. She swore she saw him mouth _thank you_ before she broke eye contact. She was now happily drunk, dancing in a swarm of sweaty undergrads, and not giving a single fuck. As her eyes left Fjord’s, she caught the now beautifully familiar sight of Yasha. Her pulse quickened as she watched her stand nervously in the corner. Her body language said all Beau needed to know. She felt out of place and anxious. Beau knew that look, something about it reminded her of Caleb. The urge to see if she was okay began to rise within her, but she thought better of it. They barely knew each other. Beau wasn’t very good with comforting people and she doubted she could ease the nerves of a near stranger who made her feel all sorts of tongue tied. But she continued to watch her as she danced along to Robyn, time slowing slightly as the lyrics echoed in her ears.

_But you just met somebody new_   
_And now it’s gonna be me and you_

And in that moment, in perfect time with the beat, Beau locked eyes with Yasha for the fifth time that night. This time there was no hiding the flush to her cheeks and though they were across the room from each other Beau was sure Yasha had noticed. She swallowed hard as the stare dragged on. Time seemed to stand still as they watched each other. It took Beau several moments to notice she had stopped dancing entirely and the song had long since ended. She shook herself out of her stupor, a longing welling up inside her when Yasha finally looked away. Beau felt herself growing increasingly warm and scanned the room for her friends, but she felt like she had tunnel vision and no one was within range. She began to push past densely packed groups of people, trying to make her way back to the porch. She needed air. She was starting to get that clammy feeling after having one too many beers, but she hadn’t drank nearly as much as the night before. She chalked it up to nerves. It had to be. She drew closer and closer to the door until in her haste to get out of the house she collided directly into someone.

“I’m— I’m sorry, I totally wasn’t paying attention to where I was—”

Beau looked up, her posture shrinking as she realized she’d collided directly into Yasha who was now rubbing her shoulder.

“Oh! No, it’s okay. I was in the way. I’m sorry.” There was a visible blush making its presence known.

Beau stammered for a bit, trying to act like a normal human being before finding her words again.

“No, you’re fine. I should’ve been looking where I was going.” She could barely look Yasha in the eye.

Once again Yasha apologized and the two of them went back and forth awkwardly saying sorry for several moments before Beau was rescued from herself by Caduceus. He placed a hand on her shoulder, causing her to jump slightly beneath his grasp. But as she glanced behind her, the nerves melted a bit.

“Oh, hey Cad.” She sounded relieved. “You remember Yasha— from before?” She hoped her grimace wasn’t as noticeable as it felt.

“Of course. Nice to see you again Yasha.” He smiled.

“Uh yeah, you too.” Beau noted her lack of eye contact.

“See, I knew we’d run into each other again. You always find friends at parties. It’s nice to make friends. Don’t you think so Beau?” His tone was way to measured for Beau’s liking.

“Yeah… super nice.” She said through gritted teeth before attempting to talk to Yasha again. “It’s a lot in there, huh?” Beau tried appealing to the vibe she was picking up.

Yasha nodded. “You can barely hear yourself think.”

The two of them stood there awkwardly, avoiding all manner of eye contact. Time was moving incredibly slow and the not-tension tension kept rising. Again Beau felt like she might just spontaneously combust until the bubbly voice of Jester reached her ears.

“Oh my god, Beau! This is so much fun!” She came up quickly from behind and hugged her roommate tightly.

Beau felt, if only for a moment, that she was being crushed beneath the strength of Jester’s hug. It was sort of comforting in its familiarity though and gave her a new found sense of ease.

“Yeah? You looked like you were having the time of your life in there.” She smiled.

“I AM! We really need to come to more parties. Do you think Veth would—” Jester cut herself short.

She had noticed Yasha standing awkwardly behind Beau and she couldn’t help extending her effervescent friendliness to a new person.

“Oh hi! I’m Jester.” Her smile was bright and genuine.

It seemed to take Yasha slightly off guard, but she went along with it despite the subtle discomfort that was now easy for Beau to pick up on.

“Yasha.”

“I love your hair, Yasha! It’s super cool. And You have really pretty eyes and an amazing tattoo!” She complimented her vigorously, the way only Jester could. “I have a tattoo, too!” She showed off the hands hugging her collarbones. “I do tattoos you know. I’m still learning— I’m not a professional yet or anything but I’ve been practicing and I’m pretty good! Maybe I could give you a tattoo sometime, you know? It would be super fun.” And there was the word babble friendliness that inevitably ended in Jester trying to talk someone into doing something reckless or funny.

Yasha stood there slightly stunned but smiling, a nervous laugh punctuating this whirlwind of an encounter. Beau felt a little embarrassed, but it was better to be self-conscious about your over eager friend than to feel ashamed that you can barely have a conversation because you’re intimidated by the sheer presence of someone you find captivating.

“Jess, I don’t think Yasha wants a tattoo from a total stranger. You just met.”

“Well we’re not strangers anymore! We know each other’s names, Beau.”

“That’s not exactly what I meant…” Beau trailed off

“I know!” Jester pouted. “I was just teasing you.” She turned back to face Yasha. “Do you and Beau know each other or…”

Yasha looked around, a little confused, but still trying to follow along.

“Uh we just met tonight.” Her voice was even softer than it had been before. “I think it was like an hour ago? But I guess I do kind of know Beau then.” She gave Jester a light smile.

“Well, I guess we’re friends now so we totally have to hang out!”

Normally Jester’s excitement and enthusiasm was enjoyable and fun to go along with, but right now Beau wanted to sink into the floor and disappear. It was one thing when they were just fooling around or when Beau was in the mood to go along with it, but right now it was different. She desperately wanted things to go smoothly. She didn’t want to overwhelm Yasha or scare her off and she was afraid that based on what she’d perceived so far that Jester’s bubbly, outgoing displays of affection might drive someone reserved and quiet like Yasha away. But her fears were seemingly unfounded. To her surprise, Yasha seemed eager to accept the invitation. Perhaps she was just trying to worm her way out of an uncomfortable situation? Or maybe she was just as captivated by Jester’s charm as literally everyone else they’d ever met. No matter what the reason was Beau was extremely relieved.

“Oh, okay.” There was a surprised tone in her voice. “Yeah we could do that— hangout.”

“I think it would be nice.” Cad chimed in. “There’s always room for more friends at the table. You could come for dinner sometime.” He smiled.

“Caduceus is a great cook.” Fjord chimed in. “He’s quite talented in the kitchen.”

“Yeah? That’s really… cool?” Yasha seemed to cringe at her own awkwardness. “I haven’t met a lot of people who actually cook on campus.” She smiled.

“I enjoy treating my friends to a good meal. I’ve learned it’s a great way to welcome people.”

There was a brief silence as the group attempted to extend pleasantries. It began to dawn on Beau that they were all extremely awkward in one way or another.

“Here!” Jester grabbed Yasha’s arm, simultaneously fishing through her bag. “If you want to hang out you can message me any time!” She scrawled her phone number on Yasha in eyeliner… How very Jester.

Beau noted the excited grin gracing Jester’s face, but it was only a momentary object of her attention. It was then that she noticed her roommate had also hastily wrote another number… Beau’s number. _What the Fuck?!_

“And here’s Beau’s!” The joy in her voice was almost contagious— if Beau wasn’t suddenly utterly mortified.

“Oh, uh— th-thank you?” Yasha stuttered. She was clearly flustered.

“Jester… you know putting your number into people’s phones is a thing, right?” Fjord said in an almost chastising tone.

Jester pouted. It was obvious now that she felt embarrassed. It made Beau feel guilty for being mad.

“I know! But this way, Yasha gets a souvenir from the party.”

“I like that. A souvenir.” Yasha smiled as she studied her arm that was now decorated in Jester’s signature loopy writing.

“Well Yasha, it was super nice to meet you!” Jester beamed at her. “We’ll see you around, okay? You can message me whenever, I don’t mind!” She called out as Cad, Fjord, and Beau ushered her away from the party.

It was getting late, after 1 am, and Beau was feeling the alcohol much more than she had before. She was sure Caduceus had noticed and like a good friend, he was determined to get her to be responsible and take care of herself. It didn’t stop her from being pissed though, she wasn’t quite ready to leave. She wanted to stay, to get to know Yasha. But perhaps there’d be other opportunities, ones where she was less of a mess and more at ease. For now she simple turned back, waving at the girl who so intrigued her, and called out a sloppy goodbye. Despite her mortification and slight annoyance, she secretly hoped Yasha would have the guts to talk to her. Even if it was facilitated through Jester at first it was more than Beau could’ve managed for herself— and she was begrudgingly grateful. There was that feeling resurfacing, the inevitable pull toward this stranger. Beau didn’t really believe in fate, but part of her wondered if they were destined to cross paths. Being drunk always seemed to put Beau into a heady contemplation. She replayed the night in this new lens as her friends dragged her back to her apartment. It didn’t matter so much that she was semi stumbling. Maybe tonight she’d have some sort of eureka moment where she’d find the key to talking to women in a way that defied her nature. That would be something, right? Beauregard Lionett having charisma. Maybe Fjord really could teach her.

She silently mused all the way back to the 4th floor, creating a mental play book for approaching this new venture. It was exciting and terrifying and she was definitely putting too much energy and hope into something that might have no significance, but it didn’t matter. She was chasing the high of a fresh start. This year she might actually reinvent herself— with help of course.

Once again she let Jester help her get to bed after the guys left, exhaustion catching up with her. She’d regret tonight in the morning when the hangover kicked in, but right now sleep called her. Thoughts of her dance with Jester swimming in her head, except now she replaced the memory with thoughts of Yasha. Damn Beau had it bad. Lesbians always do this shit. It’s meet one day, have one conversation, and the next week you’re renting a u-haul together and picking out cats at the shelter. She didn’t want to do the stereotype thing, but her brain was being stupid and she was too tired to fight it. Before she knew it she’d passed out, the night falling behind her and the promise of infinite possibilities waiting when the sun came up. Maybe the party was eventful after all.


	4. Overthinking It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beau is determined to accomplish at least something this weekend—though dissecting her feelings was the last thing she was expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! We’re back with another angst filled, awkward lesbian installment. This chapter is longer than I intended it to be... oops. Also I apologize in advance for the texting/ dialogue heavy writing. I hope it’s not too much or too clunky (parts of this chapter will have overlap with my Caleb fic— so sorry if that one becomes redundant.) I hope you enjoy this chapter and as always don’t be afraid to let me know what you think. Thank you for reading!  
> ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Beau awoke to the scent of pancakes and warm syrup. On any other day it would be a welcome treat, a lavish and delectably sweet breakfast spread that would have delighted even the most indifferent person— but today the smell made her stomach lurch. She was incredibly hungover. It was inevitable unfortunately, she’d drank more than she intended to last night and hadn’t really paced herself. She knew she was entirely at fault, as was the case with most consequences. The self awareness sadly had no effect on her previous actions however. Hindsight is 20/20 and she was regretting some of the choices she made. _Some_ being the key word. There were aspects of the night before that were shitty for sure— not everything can be exciting and fun all the time— but the not so shitty parts were so un-shitty they briefly transformed the nausea Beau felt into a swarm of butterflies that swelled in her chest.

As awkward as things may have been at times, they weren’t Beau’s typical brand of prickliness. Somehow, she had managed to have a “conversation” with Yasha— if you could classify their uncomfortable small talk as conversing. But it was exhilarating in a sense, to know that she was capable of forming semi coherent sentences in front of a someone who made her brain short circuit, even if it was just stumbling through words until something maybe made sense. In a way she was strangely proud. Maybe this was the growth Fjord had been talking about. She let out a prolonged sigh as she sunk slightly deeper into her mattress, sliding back into the present. As much as Beau had a crumb of new found confidence, she knew she was maybe giving herself a little too much credit. She was nowhere near that smooth. But hey, progress is progress and she might just let her self have this one.

She relished in the comfort of her bed for a little while longer, the hangover fighting with the need to eat, shower, and get shit done. She groaned as she thought about having to be a functioning person and desperately wanted to have a lazy watch Netflix and do nothing sort of day, but she had told herself yesterday that she had to get at least something accomplished this weekend. Saturday’s hangover was minimal, but today’s was nearly debilitating, she’d have to push herself with every last bit of motivation she could muster. Motivation was something she was certain she could dredge up after painkillers, coffee, and pancakes—despite the potent smell they didn’t sound so bad anymore. Beau forced herself out of bed, tied her hair up into a messy topknot, and shuffled her way toward the kitchen. One of the perks of living with Jester was her insistence of treating themselves. It was nice to justify the inclusion of pancakes or cinnamon rolls with any given meal, even if Beau didn’t always eat them. But if it made Jester happy, then it made Beau happy—and that’s saying a lot.

As she made her way toward their kitchen, she had a strange sense that she and Jester weren’t alone. There were hushed voices trickling in from down the hall and Beau swore they belonged to some of the nein. She couldn’t quite make out who they were coming from, but It wouldn’t surprise her if Cad, Fjord, Caleb, or Veth was there. In fact it was pretty common for them to drop in whenever they felt like it. It could be annoying at times, especially if she was trying to sleep or just getting out of the shower, but there was an effortless comfort in their presence that she pretend to mind _sometimes_. Deep inside Beau had to admit that she’d come to deeply appreciate all of their presence— even if it was inconvenient. She carried the thought with her as she stepped out into their shared living space, greeted by the sight of Fjord and Caduceus sitting at the counter. They were deep in conversation, exchanging words between bites of pancakes while Jester happily spooned more batter onto the griddle.

“Beau! You’re awake!” Jester beamed as her roommate drew closer. “I wasn’t sure if you were gonna sleep all day, but I wanted to make sure there were plenty of deeelicious pancakes for you. They’re chocolate chip with strawberries!”

Beau smirked as she approached the counter.

“They’re really good,” Caduceus said between mouthfuls “Jester’s truly perfected the art of the pancake.”

“Oh, I one hundred percent believe you.” She let out a slight chuckle as she drew closer, allowing Jester to hand off a plate of fresh pancakes to her. She accepted them gratefully and took a seat on the stool next to Fjord.

“Morning.” Fjord shoved a rather full fork into his mouth.

“Morning to you too, Captain. Did she beg you two to come over or did you want to hang out with us that much?”

But neither Cad nor Fjord had time to answer before Jester chimed in.

“I made waaay too much batter.” She admitted sheepishly. “There was no way we could eat them all without help! I texted Caleb and Veth, but they didn’t answer… maybe they’re sleeping?” She frowned.

“It would be pretty rude of us to turn down pancakes after Jester so graciously invited us over.” Fjord said matter-of-factly.

“Yep, totally rude.” Jester giggled. “But if they’re sleeping then I don’t think it is… but it is almost noon and they don’t normally sleep too late.”

“I think you’re probably overthinking it Jes.” Beau said as she drizzled a generous amount of syrup onto her breakfast. “Caleb’s probably still hungover— has to be after how much he drank Friday night and besides him and Veth are probably eating with her family. She has a kid and a husband remember?”

“You’re right.” Jester’s tone was still dejected. “But I thought maybe pancakes would make Caleb feel better. He seemed sad the other night.”

Part of Beau wanted to validate Jester and confirm her suspicions that Caleb was in fact ‘sad’ but the other part of her wanted to protect his privacy after she so rudely invaded it. It was a conundrum to be sure, but she decided to be a better person than she’d been Friday night and let Caleb have some semblance of peace.

“He’s alright, I promise. The real question is when isn’t he mopey?”

Jester sighed. “I know…but I just want him to be happy, you know?”

“I know.” Beau offered a soft smile. She took a generous bite of her pancakes and changed the subject— both for Caleb’s sake and Jester’s. “Cad’s right, these are really good.”

“I’m so happy you like them!” She let out an excited squeal before starting to clean up the mess she’d made in the process of cooking and began to sing absentmindedly at the sink “Doo doo doo doo doo…”

Both Fjord and Beau smirked at her effortless charm. Jester certainly was endearing and none of them were immune to her magnetic personality. They wouldn’t have her any other way.

The four of them finished their meal in semi-silence, it had become nearly impossible to talk when the food was so delicious. One might even say it rivaled Caduceus’s cooking. Beau could feel her hangover start to dwindle the more she ate and she began to feel more and more like a functioning person. Maybe she would accomplish something today after all. Though as she thought about all the possible things she had to tackle her mind wandered back to Caleb. Despite her reassuring Jester about his wellbeing, she was still worried about him. She couldn’t shake the suspicions that lingered in the back of her mind after their conversation the other night. He seemed more down than usual and it definitely alerted the part of her that cares about people— whether she wanted it to or not. She wondered for a moment if she should check on him. That’s what friends do after all, but something inside her told her (from experience) that he wouldn’t appreciate her prying. This wasn’t like her stupid curiosity two nights ago, however, this was from a place of concern. Yes, Beau worried about Caleb.

She swallowed her trepidation and pulled out her phone. It certainly wouldn’t hurt to check on him, even if he didn’t want her to. So she bit the bullet, shot him a text and waited.

_**Beau:** Hey man, sorry if I’m bothering you… I just wanted to make sure you were okay— you know after Friday? Please tell me you’re not (still) hungover?_

She didn’t expect him to respond right away so she put left her phone face down on counter while the rest of her friends finished their meal. It wasn’t long before her phone buzzed, however.

_**Caleb:** No, not hungover_

Three little dots appeared and disappeared as she anticipated his next message.

_**Caleb:** Just peachy_

_**Beau:** Knowing you that’s sarcastic. Don’t lie to me Widogast, I know you enough to see thru your bullshit_

_**Caleb:** I’m shocked you would think I’m deceiving you… *sarcasm*_

_**Beau:** Come on. Don’t be an asshole_

_**Caleb:** What else would I be?_

_**Beau:** Dude stop being a self deprecating dick for 5 minutes… I’m… worried about you ok?_

_**Caleb:** Don’t be. There’s nothing to be concerned about_

_**Beau:** You know you’re really frustrating right?_

_**Caleb:** Am I? Hadn’t noticed_

_**Beau:** Really? Don’t do this, you’re really pissing me off_

_**Caleb:** Fine. Not good. Happy?_

_Beau: No. Not happy. Look I’m not trying to be an ass. I’m not gonna say anything I just wanna make sure I don’t have to keep an eye on you. Keep each other in check remember?_

_**Caleb:** Ja, I remember…_

The three dots appeared again. Fucking annoying.

_**Caleb:** Fine. I will tell you on 1 condition— you tell me why you’re shittier than usual. What’s with the brooding Beauregard? I thought that was strictly a Caleb specialty_

Beau groaned as she contemplated the arrangement. Sure she could count on Caleb to keep her shit under wraps, but that didn’t mean she wanted to tell him anything. This whole thing was still so new and uncertain and she wasn’t sure if disclosing her feelings and anxieties was necessarily something she was comfortable doing. Part of her was afraid she might jinx things (whatever that meant) if she put it out there. She resigned to discomfort as she contemplated whether or not making sure she didn’t need to watch out for Caleb more than usual was worth it. It was, but it didn’t mean she had to like it. In her annoyance, however she alerted her friends to her predicament. Just what she was trying to avoid.

“Everything okay?” Caduceus prodded.

Beau sighed. This shit was exhausting. “Yeah… just Caleb being Caleb.”

“If you say so.” He sipped his tea, suspicion clear in his voice.

“Don’t worry about it, he’s just grumpy.”

Cad hummed in acknowledgement as he returned to his tea, while Fjord and Jester tossed her skeptical glances.

“He’s fine. I promise. Up to his usual bullshit. He wants me to help him with something.” She lied.

Jester and Fjord exchanged curious expressions before seemingly accepting her explanation and returning to tidying up the kitchen. Beau breathed a subtle sigh of relief before slowly releasing the tension in her jaw and shoulders. She put up with way to much for this asshole.

_**Beau:** Ok deal. Now spill_

Once again the dreaded dots.

_**Caleb:** Bad day yesterday. Utter scheiße._

_**Beau:** Come on… you gotta give me more than that man_

Some cosmic force was allowing her to feel the power of Caleb’s frustrated sigh from miles away.

_**Caleb:** Remember the colleague I was telling you about?_

_**Beau:** Yeah of course_

_**Caleb:** Well I ran into him yesterday and it… it did not go well_

_**Beau:** Elaborate?_

_**Caleb:** That’s not entirely true. It WAS going well until I fucked it up. He caught me off guard AGAIN and I did not handle it well. I think I misinterpreted the conversation and reacted poorly_

_**Beau:** That tracks…_

Beau cringed immediately after she sent the text. She needed to be more sensitive. She was trying to be supportive.

**_Beau:_ ** _Sorry… that was shitty of me. What do you think went wrong? It’s probably not as bad as you think it is_

_**Caleb:** Nein. It’s definitely terrible. We both happened to be in the library yesterday and he struck up a conversation with me while I was working. We were talking about research and our goals and he brought up that he was in search of a research partner and that I had been recommended by Ikithon— the panic that came with that was not something I wanted him to see, but it happened anyway and I made a fool of myself. I can’t control how much Trent and his intentions unsettle me and I began to fear that he was trying to set me up to fail— I am, well, me and my colleague Essek… he is intelligent, accomplished, polished. I may have gotten overwhelmed and left him there without explanation and had a meltdown the moment I got home. Ja, pretty scheiße_

_**Beau:** Ok wow. I’m really sorry Caleb. That definitely sounds shitty. Are you ok? Like you’re not hurt or anything? You’re safe?_

_**Caleb:** Ja, alles ist gut… I didn’t do anything… I had Frumpkin to keep me company. Thank you Beauregard, for being understanding._

Beau felt a pang of relief inside her. She felt bad that he’d had a rough day, but she didn’t regret pushing him. He needed to open up more and to be validated… but so did she. She mulled over Caleb’s situation. They weren’t that different. He, despite his ability to be charismatic and personable at times, fumbled terribly if he wasn’t prepared. Not dissimilar to her, though she definitely was less skilled in etiquette— but she was just as clumsy socially and it gave her a sense of solidarity that someone else struggled with niceties and simple conversations. It brought her thoughts back to last night with Yasha and her own internal panic over whether or not she was doing it right. But struggling to flirt wasn’t at all the same as nearly having a meltdown due to severe anxiety in front of a person you barely know. Still, it was nice to know that someone else understood and that was enough for her. She shot him one last text before putting their conversation on hold. She wasn’t sure if she was ready for it to be her turn.

_**Beau:** Sure thing Widogast_

She left it there, neglecting her end of the deal. Oh well…she’d get around to it later. She had other things to do, things that didn’t revolve around talking about her feelings. It was better to ignore it for now.

Beau let out a prolonged sigh as she set her phone down for the time being. As much as she cared about her friends, playing therapist was exhausting— not that she was very good at it. With their conversation paused for now, Beau was free to focus on other things, namely letting off some steam. She was starting to feel antsy after neglecting her usual routine yesterday. She desperately wanted to hit the gym and an idea presented itself as she watched Fjord and Jester dry dishes. She’d been meaning to catch up with him.

“Hey, Fjord?”

He looked back over his shoulder, brow cocked in suspicion. “Yeah, Beau?”

“Do you wanna hit the gym with me? We haven’t done our shit together in a while. You better not be slacking off.”

Fjord suddenly had a wide eyed, sort of embarrassed expression.

“N-no I’m not slacking.” He stammered. “I’ve been busy.”

“Huh, all I hear is an excuse.” She teased.

Fjord seemed to blush, maybe he was flustered or maybe it was a sense of shame. Either way Beau found it hilarious the way he became uneasy, especially in front of Jester. Perfect material for later.

“Come on, man. I’ll get ready and we can go do some weight training or something.”

Fjord sighed, resigned to his fate, as though he had no choice. “Fine, but no pull-ups, that shit’s exhausting.”

“No promises.” She smirked as she watched the uncomfortable grimace take shape on Fjord’s face. Part of her relished in making him squirm. She was such a piece of shit.

Beau quickly got ready before heading out with Fjord. She brushed her teeth and made herself look semi decent— she still had on smudged day old makeup from last night but it was kind of her brand to look like she slept in it, the quintessential lazy girl look. There was something kind of sexy about smudged eyeliner, at least that’s what she told herself. Beau knew she needed to shower, but that was a stupid idea if she was going to the gym, she’d just get gross and sweaty all over again. She’d do it when she got back home; shower, relax, and finish that awfully boring documentary about Xhorhasian religious practices for her Anthro classics lecture. Solid planning. She pushed the itinerary to the back of her mind however as she pulled on a blue sports bra and matching bike shorts. She still had to look good while making gains. Beau wouldn’t lie, she was a little bit conceited and damn it she worked hard for her abs. It would be a shame if she didn’t show them off. That’s always been a part of her pickup routine; flaunting the goods. It sure as hell had worked with Keg. But Beau wasn’t trying to have flings like that anymore. For a while now she’d been craving something more serious, more _tender_. So yeah, she wanted to look good, but for the right reasons.

As she left, she made sure to grab her water bottle, gym bag, and keys— she could get hyper focused from time to time and forget about self care. She said goodbye to Caduceus and Jester, telling Jester not to wait around for her before dragging Fjord back to his place so he could change and prepare for Beau to torture him with strenuous routines and countless reps. She knew he hated her for it, but he was the one who’d asked her to show him the ropes in the first place. That’s on him. Sometimes he was such a wuss— but in a loving way. There was that time last year when she and Jester had moved to their apartment and Fjord had offered to help out with the lifting. Beau winced as she remembered the hernia he’d tried to conceal through gritted teeth and insistences that he was fine. He totally wasn’t and now she had plenty to lovingly tease him about. She could rib Fjord for being a weakling, but he could poke fun at her social abrasiveness— an equal exchange for sure. They’d become something akin to siblings, though not in the same way she was with Caleb, but she appreciated Fjord’s dependable honesty. He also made for an entertaining workout buddy. Beau, in her slight assholery, loved picking on him and she was sure that despite his protests, that he enjoyed the teasing.

By the time the pair approached the gym they were already damp with a light sheen of sweat. The late August heat wasn’t friendly and Beau was grateful to step into a perfectly air conditioned room full of weights, treadmills, stationary bikes, and of course her favorite of all— punching bags and training dummies. Fjord sighed a giant breath of relief as they finally escaped the humidity and headed straight for the dumbbells. Today was arm day apparently. Not far from the bench he’d settled on was an open mat for weight training with squats, lunges, and the like. This is where Beau made camp. She was determined to work on her core today— well every trip to the gym was to tighten up her center, but that’s beside the point. Point was she wanted to be near Fjord so she could distract herself from her bullshit with his problems. It usually worked, except when he wanted to talk about her. And after last night he might try to, but Beau was skilled in the art of deflection and hoped that being hungover wasn’t going to impede on her ability to focus on him. She mused for a bit as the pair settled into their usual routine, both most likely using the physical activity to blow off steam. It was pretty normal for Beau, but a more recent coping skill for Fjord. She didn’t mind the company and it gave them another excuse to hang out with each other.

Before long they had switched around to new parts of the gym. Fjord had approached the leg press and Beau rummaged around her bag for her hand wraps. Time to wail all her frustrations out onto a punching bag, which happened to be one of her favorite pastimes. She stood up, pulling them out of the duffel, but instead of starting on her knuckles like she intended; a familiar silhouette caught her eye and ruined all of her plans entirely. _Fuck_. She felt her stomach sink. Her heart rate picked up and she could feel her face getting hotter and hotter— but she knew it wasn’t from the exercise. It was seeing her again. Seeing Yasha at an off campus gym. What a fucking coincidence. What a _terrible, amazing, confusing_ series of events. Part of Beau wanted to ignore her, to pretend that she was completely oblivious to her presence. Another part wanted to run away and hide behind the heavy bags until Yasha disappeared. Yet a different part of her, the strangely cocky yearning part of her, wanted to acknowledge and talk to her. But none of scenarios these happened and Beau just stood there like a deer in the headlights, paralyzed by her inability to make a decision— or maybe she was paralyzed by Yasha. Either way there was no hiding because her body refused to cooperate with her demands.

The anxiety grew worse and worse as Beau watched her draw closer. She could feel the perplexed, nervous look that had cemented itself on her face and there was nothing she could do about it. God this was fucking embarrassing. Why was she so intimidated? What was so difficult about running into someone or getting to know them? The butterflies in her stomach became more and more intense and she willed herself to drift her gaze towards Fjord. As he extended and brought his legs back to his chest, his eyes locked with her’s, a puzzled look etching itself onto his face. Great now Fjord was curious. Nothing she could do about it now though. She just had to power through and try to ignore the sweat that was increasing on the back of her neck with each ongoing second. Beau felt uncomfortably exposed, both beneath Fjord’s scrutiny and the fact that Yasha was drawing closer and closer. The seconds seemed so slow until suddenly time caught up and did the exact opposite, giving Beau little reaction time. Yasha was now directly in front of her and their eyes locked for a 5th, 6th time this weekend.

“Oh! Hi…” Yasha’s face was bright red.

“H-hi!” Beau stammered, a little too flustered.

“Uh, do you come here a lot?” Yasha shifted her gaze away from Beau.

“Oh, uh yeah… I have a membership.” She paused, looking nervously at Fjord over Yasha’s shoulder. “Do— do you come here a lot?” She could smack herself.

Beau could absolutely see Fjord suppressing his desire to laugh.

“I— yeah, yeah I do. A lot. I come here a lot.”

“Really? We’ve never seen you around before. I definitely would remember seeing you—” Fjord raised an eyebrow. “You know, if you’re here a lot. Beau’s here all the time.” Fjord raised an eyebrow, he abandoned the leg press and approached the pair.

Beau shot daggers at him. She was gonna fucking kill him later.

“Um,” She let out a nervous laugh. “I usually come at night when not a lot of people are here.”

“That so? It’s probably nicer that way— no one to bother you.” Fjord sidled next to Beau.

“Yeah. It is. I like when its quiet.”

“Well we’re probably being super annoying then. Right Fjord?” Beau said through gritted teeth.

“You don’t mind a little friendly conversation do you— Yasha was it?” He questioned.

“No, no. It’s okay. I don’t mind. And yeah, Yasha. You’re Fjord?”

Fjord nodded as he glanced back at Beau.

“And Beau.” Yasha smiled slightly.

“Yep, I’m Beau.” She let out a nervous laugh.

Once again, like the night before, the pair stood there in awkward silence for several moments. It was unclear if it was some sort tension or nerves or any plethora of sensations, but it was certainly uncomfortable. Beau felt herself look around frantically. She didn’t know what to do or say and part of her prayed that Fjord might help her out, but the other part of her didn’t. The later part of her was devastated when he finally did intervene.

“Did you have fun at the party last night?”

“I— it was fun.” She didn’t sound too convincing.

“I’m sorry about Jester— the one who wrote her number on your arm. She’s very friendly and a little excitable.” He sighed.

“Oh, no! That’s okay. It was nice.” She offered a small smile.

“I’m glad that you didn’t mind then, because not everyone appreciates her enthusiasm.” Beau tried to phrase it as delicately as possible.

“No, she seemed really nice. I had a good time. It’s totally fine.”

“Good.” Beau felt herself cringe. Was that all she could manage?

“Haha, yeah. Good.”

Am uncomfortable pause lingered for a moment before the air became too heavy with it.

“Well, I don’t want to keep you from…” Yasha trailed off. “I don’t want to take up more of your time. I interrupted you and —”

Beau cut her off, impulsiveness taking over.

“Nah its okay. I might need a break anyway.” Her voice cracked slightly.

“I should probably go. I’m supposed to go study with some friends and I need to shower and…”

“Yeah. Yeah. That’s okay. I don’t wanna keep you either if you’ve got shit to do.”

Yasha nodded as Beau fumbled her way through the sentence.

“It was nice seeing you again. Both of you. Both.” Yasha sounded almost unsure.

“Yeah. You too. We’ll see you around?”

“Sure, sure. I hope so.”

With more awkward glances and exchanged waves, Yasha departed, leaving Beau slightly rattled. Several more moments of silence passed before Fjord attempted to shake Beau from her daze. The universe came rushing back in as she crashed back on earth. God knows how lost in her own thoughts she’d gotten, like some sort of maze that spiraled around an over analysis of their conversation.

“Beau? Everything okay?”

“Huh? Yeah, fine.”

“You don’t sound too sure about that.” He accused.

“Pfft. Fuck off man, I’m good.” She scoffed.

“Fine brush me off. I love when you do that, it’s very enlightening.”

“Seriously dude? Don’t make me do this.” She focused back on the hand wraps, approaching the heavy bag.

“Do what? I’m just curious. You asked me to help you so I’m helping. Do you not want my help?”

“No, I do.” She groaned. “I just… don’t say anything.”

“Captain’s honor, my lips are sealed.” He smirked.

Beau ignored him for a moment, attention entirely on wrapping her knuckles and wrists. She made sure they were tight enough, flexing and unflexing her fingers to test the accuracy. Once she was satisfied, she approached the bag and began throwing punches, imagining crucial points on the body and hitting with brutal accuracy.

“So what advice do you have for me? Impart your great wisdom, oh captain.” The sarcasm was biting.

“Well, lets start with the basics. You like her?”

“Dude, I barely know her.” She landed another forceful hit.

“Yes… but you like her.” He pried.

“I mean… yeah she’s cute, but like I said I don’t know shit about her.”

“Okay. Then get to know her.”

“Oh yeah… super fucking easy.” The sound of her fist hitting the bag echoed in throughout the mostly empty gym.

Fjord sighed. “You know what I mean. Talk to her. If you don’t have a conversation you’ll never get to know her. You do know that. Right?”

“Of course I know that! But you and I both know that that’s not really one of my strong suits.” She moved on to splitting her time between side kicks and quick punches. “I’m like the worst at being charming. That’s your territory.”

“Oh, and you think it’s always been easy for me?” He scoffed. “It took years of practice for me to be able to be confident talking to people, Beau. And it’s still nerve wracking sometimes. No one used to pay attention to me. No one cared about what I had to say, but I practiced and built confidence and I kept going even if I failed because what other choice is there?”

Beau dropped her hands to her sides. She swiped her water bottle from her back and took generous, long sips as she mulled over Fjord’s advice.

“Sure. Say I practice. Say I just start being myself and being less guarded and fake. I’ll bullshitting and I’ll suck it up and try to be nicer. People aren’t gonna like that person. No one has liked her, they just tolerate it. Oh and all those ‘relationships’ and shit— with Keg and Reani— those were sexual frustration, spontaneity, and I don’t fucking know what else, but it wasn’t because they liked me. ”

Fjord let out another sigh. It was evident he was frustrated.

“You really think that? After all of us being friends with you? Do you really think we just pretend to care about you or that we think you’r an asshole all the time? I mean you can be, but come on. We’re all assholes. Yes, you bullshit but that’s sort of what I like about you… And despite the bullshit you’re strangely honest in other ways. I think the bluntness is sort of needed. Trust me we don’t just tolerate you Beau. Would your captain lie to you?”

“No…” She grumbled.

“And besides, Reani for sure liked you! You were just too scared of rejection and screwing things up to see it. You know I’m right. I don’t tell you anything that I don’t believe is true because I know you can handle it.”

“Yeah. But I don’t like that you’re right.” She was still pissed off.

“Well that’s a you problem. I think you might surprise yourself if you at least try.” He smiled playfully at her.

“Fine. I’ll try. But no guarantee that I won’t turn it into a disaster— and if it does I’m blaming you.” She teased.

“That hardly seems fair!” Fjord protested.

“Since when was our friendship fair?” She smirked. “I rag on you and you all put up with it.”

“Okay, sure. But I think it’s pretty balanced. I help you with being more personable and you inflict grievous bodily harm on me by making me work out with you. I’d say that’s even.”

“I might not always say it, but I appreciate it. Really. I don’t know what I’d do without you. If I freak out again and you’re with me promise me you’ll help me out?’ Beau begged him.

“What are friends for if not to rescue their drowning friend from serious embarrassment? Don’t worry Beau, I won’t let you fuck up too terribly.” He paused. “But what makes you think I know anything about talking to women— or that I’m remotely good at it? I mean I think I need some serious help when it comes to—”

“Jester?” Beau posed.

“Jester.” He sighed, cheeks taking on a pink hue.

“Don’t worry man. If you’ve got me, I’ve got you. We’ll help each other.” She clapped him on the shoulder. “And what the fuck do you mean ‘you’re not good with women?’ Avantika, that horny as fuck girl Muaro at the pharmacy, oh and don’t forget that MILF who looked like she wanted to rob the cradle the second she saw you walk into her bar. Oh, and I’m pretty sure Jester’s mom thinks you’re charming or whatever. So don’t give me that bullshit.”

The flush on Fjord’s cheeks deepened as Beau ranted about his track record. Needless to say Fjord was easy to embarrass.

“Okay… I—I don’t want to think about Avantika ever again. That was a big fucking mistake. And Jester… Jester is different. I’m sure you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do… You’re not the only one who’s infatuated with her.” Beau quickly looked away. She didn’t want to meet his gaze. It’s not like she wanted to be with Jester _anymore_ , but it was hard not to be attracted to her.

“I’m not— I’m not infatuated with Jester.” He tried to laugh it off. “I just like being around her. She’s… amazing?”

“Okay, lover boy calm down.”

“Beau… I love you, but please stop implying I’m in love with her. I’m just—” Once again he tried to avoid his own feelings.

“You’re just what? I think you’re lying to yourself man. Come on, after traveler con? There’s definitely something between you two.” She tried to dig deeper.

Fjord sighed heavily. “I’m just— I guess I’m confused. I’ve never really felt this way before and it’s exhilarating, but also absolutely terrifying.”

“See, it’s not that hard to be honest.” Beau teased.

“Pot, kettle.” He retorted.

“Okay… that’s entirely fair.”

“Well what about you? You’re practically swooning over Yasha?” He quickly redirected the focus of their conversation.

“I am not swooning! I don’t swoon.” She said adamantly. “I just think she’s pretty… that’s it.” Beau muttered.

“Whatever you say, Beau. All I know is that whenever the time comes, I’m happy to be your wing man.” He smiled.

“Ditto, man. Ditto.”

She hit him in the shoulder. She could feel his muscles tense beneath her touch as he flinched. Even after all this time she found it funny that he could barely take one of her punches. It gave her a smug satisfaction and a sense of confidence that she relished in. In the brief silence that followed the pair acknowledged that they both wholeheartedly meant what they said. Neither of them ever did anything halfway and Beau appreciated it. Having Fjord in her life, as well as the rest of their friends, meant that someone gave a shit about her. That this small group of people could do what her parents either refused to or didn’t try. The nein loved her and tried their damnedest to make sure she was seen, that she was supported and that was far more than Beau ever expected from anyone. So yeah, she was hella fucking grateful— though saying it was hard. She never liked being vulnerable, but for some reason Fjord made it easy.

The pair soon finished their workout, just enough for Beau to feel a sense of accomplishment after a weekend of screwing around. She knew Fjord was high key suffering though and so she promised that next time they hung out she’d treat him to tacos or something. It was the least she could do. After all, they both knew that she got a kick out of making him sweat. They walked back to their apartment complex in relative ease and quiet, both a little too wiped out for idle chit chat, especially after the emotional shakedown they’d cornered each other into earlier. Parting ways on the second floor, Beau gave Fjord a nonchalant hug before practically dragged herself back to her place. A familiar post-exercise soreness settled into her muscles. As she opened the front door she was greeted by an excited Jester who waved at her from the floor. Her roommate was sprawled out on the rug, dozens of sketches littering their carpet. Beau made her way to the couch, sweaty and tired, but curious as to what she might find spilling forth from Jester’s imagination.

Jester infrequently hummed along to her mighty vibes playlist, a familiar staple to their homework sessions. She chewed the tip of her pencil as she contemplated the composition of her drawing. Beau wouldn’t lie, she found Jester effortlessly amusing— not in a condescending way, but the fact that she was just so unapologetically invested in just about everything was enviable. Beau observed her for a little longer before leaning in to get a closer look at her friend’s art.

“Whatcha drawing, Jess?” She questioned

“Just something for my portrait class.” She had a mischievous look in her eye as she glanced over her shoulder.

“Am I allowed to look or is it one of those ‘top secret until it’s finished’ deals?”

“Oh, you can look. I’m prettyyy sure you’re gonna like it.” Jester giggled as she leaned slightly to give Beau a better view.

Beau slunk to the floor, getting closer to her roommate. She was always interested and impressed by Jester’s talent. She did feel slightly awkward though as she knelt down next to her and prayed her sweatiness wasn’t too bad— if it was Jester would have absolutely no problem pointing it out. Though there was something charming about her honesty. Beau sucked up her concerns as she glanced down at the sketch pad. A swarm of butterflies swelled in her chest as she studied the contemplative figure so expertly rendered by Jester’s hand. She had drawn Yasha. Jester had fucking drawn the one person who had Beau slightly weak in the knees and it was beautiful. Beau’s mouth was suddenly dry and she could feel her face growing hotter. She cleared her throat awkwardly before appraising Jester’s work— Jester was expectantly waiting after all.

“Yeah— yeah, it’s really good. I mean all your stuff is good.” Shit, three days into having Yasha on her radar and Beau was in far too deep for her own liking.

“I knew you’d like it.” The devious smile on Jester’s face was hard to ignore. “If you asked her to come over I could really get it perfect. Doing it from memory is kinda hard.” She pouted.

Beau felt herself blue screen for a moment, no thoughts registering in her mind. She scrambled to reply to her best friend but she found it increasingly difficult. Jester had a knack for catching people off guard.

“What? I— don’t even have her number… and why wouldn’t you ask her? You’re the one drawing her, Jess.” Beau stumbled through her sentences.

“Oh… yeah. I gave her our numbers but I forgot to ask for hers.” She paused for a moment. “That was kinda stupid of me, wasn’t it?”

“I mean— no? Maybe.”

“Huh, I guess we’ll just have to wait for her to text us. That’s okay though! Maybe she’d want to hang out with us, you know? We’re prettyyy cool. Aaand! its also a good excuse to make friends, you know. Do you think it would embarrass her though if I told her I was drawing her? I don’t want to make her uncomfortable…” Jester trailed off.

“She seems kinda shy. I don’t know Jester. Why are you asking me anyway? Why don’t you talk to her?” Beau was deflecting.

“Because! She likes you.” Jester was so matter of fact.

“What?! What do you mean she _likes_ me? We barely know each other.”

“Uh, she was talking to you wasn’t she?”

“That’s called being polite.” Be said bluntly.

“Well she didn’t tell me not to give her your phone number…”

“Again she was being polite.”

“I still think you should message her, though…” Jester trailed off. “Couldn’t you find her on instagram or something?”

“I mean I followed her the other night… but I don’t wanna be a stalker.”

“I don’t know, I think she wants to talk to you. But whatever you say, Beau. I think it could be fun, but I don’t want make you do something you don’t want to.”

“Thanks Jess, I appreciate it.” Beau felt a sense of relief wash over her as Jester conceded.

“Sorry, I’m just excited I guess. She seems really cool and I think it would be nice to have a new friend you know?”

“Yeah.” Beau wasn’t sure how to handle the conversation.

“You can give her the picture when I’m done, okay? Well, after I turn it in…”

“What?” Beau almost shouted. “Uh, okay… but I don’t wanna make things weird.”

“Why would it be weird? I think it’s sweet.” Jester smiled.

“How about a compromise? We don’t give it to her until we know her better.” Beau offered, trying to navigate this seriously confusing turn of events.

“Okayyyy. You can hold on to it though. I know you want to.” Jester elbowed her.

Beau let out a heavy sigh as she registered Jester’s words. She was right, Beau did want to hold onto it. She wanted to stare at the picture and think about all the ways in which she could get to know Yasha, to really talk to her. But Beau didn’t want to admit it— especially not yet. If she did it might make it real and she wasn’t quite sure if she was ready to embrace that reality. For now she was fine with internally panicking and daydreaming. Her mind drifted back to where it had started on Friday afternoon when she first laid eyes on her— wishing she could steal Jester’s talent if only for a moment so she could capture the likeness of Yasha and keep it for herself. Luckily Jester had done it for her. But Beau was afraid to admit that she was secretly elated that her best friend was allowing her privileged access to a museum worthy likeness of her maybe crush. That wasn’t too weird, was it?

“Sure, I’ll hold on to it.”

She was sinking deeper and deeper into the pull Yasha had and it was devastating. Or maybe it was just what she needed. Beau wasn’t certain of anything, especially her feelings.


End file.
